Thursday, March 24, 2011

No FHR (fetal heart rate) heard

During my pregnancy I like many mums to be was a part of a support forum. These ladies are all a very special part of my life and my journey with Yasminah. I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with them and talked about the highs and lows of the pregnancy. I thought I would include a post I wrote around the last time I felt Yasminah move approx 1pm-2pm Tuesday 24th March 2009.

Hello , logging in quickly on an internet kiosk I have discovered at the hospital. I was re-admitted last night after being here for almost 3 hours for my regular CTG scan - my regular Dr wasnt on duty and the registrar on duty didnt want me to go back home because the CTG wasnt looking as good as it has previously done. This morning I had another CTG and there were a few dips in her heart rate - but again my Dr isnt on today and they couldnt get in touch with him, so tomorrow I will be able to talk to him to see where we go from here! The fluid has also gone up dramatically and it is harder for me to feel her movements and for them to locate her heart beat for the CTG monitoring.

I really miss my DS and DH kept asking if he could take me back home last night poor thing - but at least I got the chance to cook up some meals for him and store in the freezer to save him cooking and save money and time so he can eat pretty much when he gets home, then come visit me - even if it is for only an hour each night.

So hopefully the next post will be to let you know that we have had our bubs or at least what the plan is.

Thanks again to all of you in my SS family - it means alot to know I have support from you and your thoughts and prayers.

Love Bec x x

24th March 2009

18:20 hours

Rebecca called after having dinner. Reports no fetal movements since 1300-1400 hours today. Sate wiht her and palpated abdo 15 minutes > no fetal movements. Encouraged ice h20. FHR attemepted to ausoulate and doppler for 15 minutes . nothing heard, asked RM to ausoulate > no FHR heard for 60 seconds. Reg asked to scan and locate FHR. Rebecca worried. Reg Dr........ in scanning

24th March 2009

18:50 hours

G2P1 (Gestation 2, Pregnancy 1)
37+2/40 Fetal anomoly No fetal movement felt since 1-2pm MW (midwife) ausoulated fetal heart unable to hear fetal heart by doppler
Check FH on US
Beside USS > no FH seen, no fetal movement seen
D/W Dr........ re: plan
Ok to go home tonight if she wishes and a formal USS tomorrow and discuss options
Will discuss with husband

24th March 2009

1940 hours

Beside US as above notes. No fetal heart rate located. Husband has arrived, has d/w Rebecca if wants to home and come back tomorrow for formal USS. D/C script for panandeine forte and temazepam written up if pain overnight

24th March 2009

2000 hours

Rebecca and husband had no further questions for reg. Will come back to DAU in the AM to speak to Dr.......... reg re plan as per Dr......... Script given for pain relief. Instructed to call birth unit overnight if contracting/SROM (sudden rupture of membranes) / concerns. Has left ward in care of husband

addit 2030 hours

Offered social work upon d/c and after US. Declined @ this stage, informed service available if changes her mind

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The days that would change my life forever

Two years ago today I was readmitted into hospital awaiting the birth of my second child. This was the second time I was admitted during my pregnancy. I was in hospital for 2 weeks before I was allowed to go home because I lived close enough to the hospital that 'if' anything were to happen it wouldn't take me long to get there. I had to return each day for CTG's and kick counts. I was at home for 5 days before being readmitted for the final time, the night before my daughter passed away in utero.

I recently felt ready to read my medical records and applied to have them released to me. There were over 160 pages. I picked these up from the medical records department yesterday with my daughters in tow. It felt so surreal to be handed the paperwork and place it into my bag hanging on the back of the pram. I wanted to rip it open and read it straight away but I knew I needed to be sitting down at home and take in the information in a place where I could cry if I needed to. These are the events leading up to the passing of my daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz

22nd March 2009 37 Weeks Pregnant

15:00 hours

Presented to DAU @ 13:00 hrs for routine CTG for monitoring of baby with multiple abnormalities. Rebecca noted to have increased hydramnios (amniotic fluid) today compared to previous days. Increased tone. Experienced painful lightening's last night approx 1:10am but did not call BU (birth unit). Now frequent uterine activity causing more discomfort than previous day. CTG nil - reduced variability and reduced reactivity. Very active baby. Normal FHR (fetal heart rate) baseline Occasional small variable decels (decelerations - basically a drop in her heart rate) with quick return to baseline. Reg paged to review after 2 hours of monitoring. CTG ceased for maternal comfort

15:45 hours

Reg will review

16:35 hours

Reg paged to review

16:40 hours

Reviewed by Dr (left out for privacy) Continue daily CTG's.
US (ultrasound) booked for Wednesday

Edited to add after reviewing my notes last night that the DAU notes and CTG's from the morning of the 23rd March are missing from my file. There is a note from the 22nd March and when you turn over the page it is blank. All of the pages in my file are double sided except this one. Why are the CTg's missing? Why is this page blank? What do the notes from that date say? I will be contacting the hospital to request these notes and find out why they weren't included in my original request. They are important considering this was less than 24 hours before my daughter passed away. Below is the next recorded note from the 23rd March

23rd March 2009 37 weeks 1 day pregnant

23:35 hours

Rebecca admitted from home after DAU (day assessment unit) visit today. Re-orientated to ward and nurse call buzzer. Repeat CTG trace, attended FHR Baseline 140-144 Variability <>15bpm Nil decelerations. Having a few tightening Good FMF (fetal movement felt) Rebecca reports that AFI has increased

Then the day my life changed forever...............................

24th March 2009 37 weeks and 2 days Pregnant

05:10 hours

Settled and sleeping on all rounds Nil concerns raised

09:10 hours - This was written by the Fellow Reg on duty - take note

Baby moving well but finding it harder to feel smaller movements as polyhydramnios has increased.
CTG reviewed - Absent Variability. No accelerations Plan - Continue CTG
Lots of FM audibly heard
Plan: (1) We will d/w Dr (my obstetrician)
(2) Continue CTG

09:40 hours - This was written by my Midwife

ANC attended pt afebrile and normatensive NIL PV loss. Occasional mild tightening CTG attended FHR base line 135-140bpm Reactive 10-15bpm variable 2-5 bpm
Noted Variable decelerations trace seen by reg Dr....... and Dr........ Trace signed off and happy to stop the trace
FHR present and felt

Copies of the CTG traces are also included in the records as requested. The 24th shows several decelerations and loss of fhr put down to LOC (loss of contact) It also shows several strong contractions.

I am no medical expert but reading back through my entire records, I believe that I may have been in the early stages of labour on the 23rd March and that the hive of activity was my baby girl in distress. It is very interesting that the Dr and the Midwife have different versions of events regarding decelerations and accelerations and there is a 30 minute gap between notes. I had never had ANY decelerations during my entire hospital visit until this day! It is also interesting to note that my concerns about these decelerations that I raised with all staff present were not recorded. I was always told by my obstetrician that IF there were ANY decelerations this would be a reason to move forward her scheduled delivery. It was originally planned I would deliver at 37 weeks then I was told my baby was doing well and we could wait another week. My Dr was unable to be reached as he was delivering another baby at a private hospital.

I last felt my daughter kick sometime after lunch. I remember it so clearly because it was a really big strong kick! The last one I was to feel. I had a feeling something was wrong then as it wasn't 'normal'. But didn't want to bother the staff as I had been told only hours earlier that everything was looking good and we would stick to the planned date for later in the week.

I will continue this tomorrow the day Yasminah passed away in utero

Monday, March 21, 2011

True Feelings

I sit here at the computer with thousands of thoughts running through my head. 'It' is almost here.....Yasminah's 2nd birthday. I have knots in my stomach and tears welling in my eyes as I try to type. I constantly debate if I should be so open about how I am really feeling.......but decide I can't keep this bottled up anymore and if I share a bit about my journey it may help another family who are going through the same heartache.

So today I am going to bear my whole heart for the world to see, to get a glimpse into life after the loss of my child. My second child, my first daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz. I think to myself that I shouldn't even know what this feels like, no one should. I should have my daughter here with me and my family. The question will always remain, why did this happen to us? I miss her so much. I would give anything to be able to hold her in my arms one more time, to kiss her sweet cheeks and cute button nose, brush her thick curly black locks of hair, to hold her little hand and caress her perfect feet. To whisper in her ear "I love you".

Yasminah was perfect to me, a special little girl to love and care for. She was born with a congenital limb difference. Yasminah had no right hand and 3 fingers on her left hand. Yes it would have been challenging at times but it doesn't mean we loved her any less or that we should be made to feel as though 'it was for the best'. Our daughter died, but she lived within me for almost 9 months. In those 9 months I watched as my belly grew, I felt the first flutters, which turned into strong kicks and waves of movement. We heard her heart beat during our ultrasounds and at each antenatal checkup. We watched in amazement as she grew and developed into the beautiful angel that was silently born late Thursday morning on the 26th March 2009 at 37 weeks and 4 days gestation only a few days from her planned delivery.

Yasminah suddenly passed away in utero on the 24th March and I was induced into labour the following day. I am often asked if I went through labour, and yes I did just like any other mum does to deliver their child. My husband held my hand and brought me ice cubes as I felt each contraction come and go. I was urged by my midwife to push when the time came and had my daughter placed on my chest skin to skin, then my husband cut her umbilical cord. She was still warm, and covered in vernix. We were scared but excited about finally meeting our baby for the first time. We never heard her cry, saw her open her eyes or got to change her nappy. We did get to spend several hours with her watching her get weighed and measured. We gave her a bath, before dressing her and wrapping her up to keep her warm just like any newborn baby. We didn't think it was a good idea at the time to bring our son who was only 20 months old to meet his sister, but wish I had thought differently about it and had at least one photo of my children together. My husband and I posed for a family photo and individual photos holding Yasminah. The time then came to say our final goodbyes. I wish at the time those close to us meet our little girl, but for one reason or another they didn't want to. We may have more photos today, more memories to share with others and with them. I understand they were scared, but their actions deeply hurt me and make it hard to talk about her with them today.

Moving on almost 2 years later and we have been blessed with our twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah. It was incredibly difficult being pregnant so soon after the loss of Yasminah but it was the best thing for me and I truly believe if I hadn't fallen pregnant so quickly I would of been too scared to try to have another child. Our 2nd and 3rd daughters had a rough start to life born 8+2 weeks premature, and endured 4 weeks through the roller coaster ride of the NICU. Thankfully they are here with us today and I couldn't imagine life without them. Having my daughters has helped me to heal and brought joy back into my life. I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't have them and my son as part of my life.

My husband needs to be mentioned, he is an amazing man. Strong, loving, honest, wise and kind. A tower of strength and always able to make me laugh, even during my darkest moments. We have shared many moments together over the past 12 years and I love him just as much as today as I did 12 years ago. I thank him for his support and understanding, especially when so much of my time is spent away from him during the weeknights and over the weekends as I continue to develop Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. It isn't always easy, but we get through it.

I often find myself wondering what life would be like if Yasminah was still here with us. What would Yasminah look like now? What colour were her eyes, mixed shades of brown and green like her dad and big brother, deep brown like me or piercing blue like her sisters? Would she like reading books or prefer to play with dolls? Would she be using a prosthetic hand like we had talked about with the limb clinic, or be fiercely independent like her younger sisters?

Saturday is her 2nd birthday or angelversary. As a part of the charity set up in her honour we are releasing butterflies in memory of Yasminah and all the precious children and the families we support. It has been raining for the last few days and is scheduled to rain on the weekend too. We hope the weather holds off so we can enjoy the day, so her brother and sisters can play at the park. It has been hard to do and I wonder if people will remember her birthday or show up on the day. Does she matter to them? I remember her first birthday a few beautiful friends sent me cards and one friend in particular gave me a beautiful gold star pendant that we engraved her initial and dob on. I wear it everyday as a symbol of my shining star. It was so nice to know that she has touched so many peoples lives. There have been some really beautiful people show their love and support this year by donating things for the Butterfly Release like Denni from PurpleX Design and Print who has designed an amazing canvas signature board for people to sign on the day that we can take home to remember her birthday. Michelle from Goodie Bag Exchange another fabulous business on Facebook has organised for everyone attending the day to receive a little bag filled with goodies donated by other Facebook businesses. Fiona from Eaton Photography has offered to capture the day and will put together a special memorial keepsake of all the photos available for $10, with all proceeds going to Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. I am truly thankful for the countless people the loss of my daughter has brought into my life. There are so many people who have shown their love and cried with me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I hope that I am not an emotional mess on the day and that I can enjoy it remembering the love we have for our daughter and we can celebrate her life instead of mourning her loss.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Gift Of Hope Giveaway

Considering this month is Yasminah's Birth Month, I have decided to give the birthday presents to you, a Gift Of Hope for our loyal and supportive fans. You have helped get YGOH where it is today and also given me so much personal support that I would like to give you something to show how grateful I am for your support and friendship.

Because it is coming up to Yasminah's 2nd Birthday/Angelversary I will be giving away 2 prizes.

First prize will be a Custom Made Gift Of Hope - including a personalised journal, and the runner up will have a butterfly released in honour of their loved one at our Yasminah's 2nd Birthday Family Butterfly Release on Saturday 26th March

If you would like to enter this giveaway you have 3 chances to win. Please leave a comment here on the blog with your loved ones name, or you can leave a comment on our main facebook page or our facebook auction page.

Winners will be chosen by random.

Good luck and thank you for your continued support!


I just don't know what to say anymore, what to do, who I can trust, if I can share, what I should share or why these things happen.

Will it always be like this?

I feel so much pain bottled up inside me and know that the day is coming where I am going to explode and say something I will regret or can't take back.

I wish someone understood how I was feeling.

Why do I feel so alone?

Questions - the who, why, what, where.

What questions do you struggle with after the loss of your child?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Gift Of Hope for Danielle

A Gift Of Hope for Danielle's family

Danielle was born a few weeks ago with a terminal brain tumor.

I personally received a request late Tuesday afternoon for a Gift Of Hope to be sent directly to this family, so they can have all the love and support they need around them, as well as a chance to record some beautiful memories and create keepsakes of their time together.

Sending the family

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Know that you are not alone, there are many people who sympathise so deeply with you.
We hope your Gift Of Hope will provide you with some comfort during this time.

With Love YGOH

Gift Of Hope for Alexzander McConville

A Gift Of Hope for Melinda, Pat and Edward McConville with love from your friends the Smyths

Alexzander McConville was born premature at 29 weeks gestation on the 4th June 2010, weighing 1.1kg and 38cm long. Alexzander and another Gift Of Hope recipient Jacinda Smyth were neighbours for 86 days in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). They fought NEC and CMV together and multiple infections. Sadly Alexzander passed away on the 30th September 2010 after 119 days of courageous fighting

Sending Melinda, Pat and Edward

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Melinda, Pat and Edward you were a huge part of the Jacinda and the Smyths life during their hospital stay and you will never be forgotten

Gift Of Hope for Jade Harmony Pedley

A Gift Of Hope for Jaala and David Pedley with love from your friend Despina

Jade Harmony Pedley was born on the 1st February 2011, several weeks premature 1 day after the devastating Queensland Floods

Sending Jaala and David

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

and Strength to get through the journey of NICU

Gift Of Hope for Marlon Kevin Boi

A Gift Of Hope for Courtney, Thierry and Big Brother Keenan

Marlon Kevin Boi was born at 24 weeks and 4 days
on the 24th January 2011, weighing 828grams

Sending Courtney, Thierry and Keenan
Hope, Light, Love and Happiness
as well as strength to get through the journey of the NICU