Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Return To Zero

Return To Zero written by Sean Hanish is a movie about a successful couple played by Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein (Private Practice) who lose their child on the day he's supposed to be born. They must overcome their grief to save their relationship and start a family together. It is the FIRST film of it's kind that directly focuses on the grief of losing a child to stillbirth and what that experience is like for so many families.
Each day in Australia 6 babies are still born. Each day! My daughter Yasminah was one of those 6 babies stillborn on the 26th March 2009.

This film needs to be seen and we need your help to prove to Hollywood that they NEED to bring this to theatres worldwide!

As a Local Leader for Sydney, NSW Australia I need your PLEDGE to come and see this movie on opening night with me in Australia!

In the next 30 DAYS our goal is to have 150,000 people pledge to see RETURN TO ZERO opening weekend!

If each LOCAL LEADER can get 100 people to Pledge, then we will easily surpass that goal and be one giant step closer to getting the film released around the globe!

Let's get started right away--below is the RETURN TO ZERO PLEDGE FORM! List me Rebecca Aziz as your local leader!

In English


In Spanish


There's still time to become a Local Leader in your community! Sign up here!


And if you haven't had a chance to view the First Glimpse of RETURN TO ZERO check out this video!


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

This is your song

There is an African tribe, where it is believed that the moment a woman thinks about having a child, her child is born. This becomes the child's birth date. When the woman decides that she will have a child, she goes and sits alone beside a tree. She carefully listens for the 'song' of the child that wants to come. After she has heard the song of this child, she goes back to the man that will be the child's father and she teaches him, his child's song. When they make physical love to conceive their child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, to bring it to life.

When the woman is pregnant, she teaches her child's song to the midwives and the old women of the village. When the child is born the midwives and old women of the village welcome the child into the world singing the child's song. As the child grows, the rest of the village are taught the child's song. The belief is if the child is injured or hurt, the other villagers sing the child's song to comfort them. The child's song is also sung during important milestones as a way of honouring their achievements.

If I had to choose my song, it would have to be 'I was here' by Beyoncé.

We may not all be able to sing like Beyoncé, or have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not.

When my husband and I first started dating, there was one song that just expressed how we felt about each other and what we both hoped and dreamed, that one day we would have a child together. Without even realizing it, our child was born. Therefor our first born child's song would have to be 'Tamika' by Immature.
"You mean the world to me, Tamika. You are my everything, Tamika".

We never knew exactly how long it would take to have our first child, or that our first born would be a boy. After 6 years we were completely over the moon to be parents! We never thought that we would fall pregnant for a second time so easily. Yasminah was a miracle from the very beginning. Despite a complicated pregnancy, she was our little angel and never would will realize just how true those words would be. After Yasminah passed away and even on the day of her funeral, Beyoncé's song 'Halo' played everywhere we went. I can still remember the warmth of the sun on my face, as tears streamed down my cheek after laying my daughter to rest. It quite quickly become 'her' song.

"Remember those walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down. They didn't even put up a fight. They didn't even make a sound. I found a way to let you in, but I never really had a doubt. Standing in the light of your halo, I've got my angel now. It's like I've been awakened, ever rule I had you breaking. It's the risk that I'm taking....... Everywhere I'm looking now I'm surrounded by your embrace. Baby I can see your halo. You know your my saving grace."

No song could more profoundly be appropriate for our twin daughters Aisha and Aaliyah than Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole's 'Somewhere over the rainbow'.
"Dreams really do come true"

I hope you can find your song. Sing your song. Sing like no one is listening!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Best Before

Today grief pulled me back into the depths of sadness and reality that my daughter died.

Doing the mundane task of groceries, one by one I checked off the items on my shopping list. As I walked through the meat department I searched for the Kangaroo Sausages my son loves! Kanga Banga's! Quite a funny name, but a huge hit in our family with mashed sweet potatoes. I don't know about you, but when I'm shopping I always check the back of the shelves for the freshest produce or the furthest best before date. Reaching to the back for the freshest Kanga Banga's and the date took me by surprise.

Best Before 26.03.2013

It stopped me in my tracks. It's not like it's the first time I've seen her date of birth on something, especially on something trivial like food packaging. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Remember the moments

I feel empty. Devoid of feeling. I think I do this mostly to protect myself. Quietly tip toeing around the heartache that one of my 4 children will never be here on earth to wrap their arms ever so tightly around my neck, gently delivering a soft, sweet, tiny kiss upon my cheek. Bringing me their handmade card filled with the colours of their growing imagination.

I began this Mothers Day in tears as my precious little people ran to my bedside to plant their kisses and wrap their cold hands tightly around my neck. One of my 3 year old twins, gently caresses my face with her tiny hand. Her piercing blue eyes lighting up as a smile appears on her face, asking me if I had a nice sleep. In this moment I realize that it's Mothers Day. I'm grateful that I have 3 of my children here with me on earth. I will always wish I had all 4. I rub my eyes as if I'm wiping away sleepy dust, trying to hide the tears that well in my eyes. I appreciate and adore my 3 living children all the more, because of what losing my first born daughter taught me. Life is precious. Every single moment is precious.

Mothers Day has been commercialised and the true meaning of the day, I feel a little misplaced.  The campaign to declare the second Sunday of May 'Mothers Day' was lead by Anna Marie Jarvis, one of four living children born of Ann Marie Reeves Jarvis. On May 12, 1907 two years after her mother Ann Marie Reeves Jarvis passed away, Anna held a memorial for her mother and embarked upon the campaign to have Mothers Day officially recognised. Ann Marie Reeves Jarvis gave birth to 11 children, sadly 7 of them passed away. Mothers Day was meant to be a day to honour and remember a bereaved mother, the children she holds in her womb, in her arms and the ones she holds within her heart. Mothers Day was officially declared a recognised holiday in 1914, by President Woodrow Wilson.

Mothers Day should be a day to recognise all mothers. I feel that we are beginning to break the silence and bring this day back to it's original true meaning.To all mothers, step mothers, grandmothers, single mothers, bereaved mothers, those struggling to be mothers, this day belongs to you.

I hope you had a peaceful day, surrounded by the love and family and those who care about you. I was spoiled with a cheese omelette, orange juice and tea for breakfast. The best gift of all was receiving my Mothers Day card, complete with artwork by my 5 year old and 3 year old twins. Zach my eldest drew a little butterfly and told me it was baby Yasminah. I'm truly the luckiest mum in the world, to hold 3 children in my arms and to have held an angel, even if only for a moment.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Never give up

Race against the clock. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off. The bomb squad are on standby for full blown war and self destruction at any given point in time. Unstable, unwilling, unmotivated.

I wipe the tears away from my eyes. Emotion washes over my soul, the tears stream down my face. Unable to stop the water escaping from my eyes.

Barely able to keep my eyes open.

Every day is a struggle against the demons inside my head. I constantly have a raging battle against my own mind. Do you have any idea what that is like? I'm thankful if you answered no. I understand if you answered yes.

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I'm just so tired. What is the point of all this anyway.

I can tell you all the different ways I've thought about giving up. I could take all those prescription pain killers I still have left over from the day that my daughter died. I could grab some rope from the garage and suspend it from the top of my stairs, I think the drop is high enough. I could always let the grip on the steering wheel slip from my hands, and close my eyes as the car veers into the wall or over the bridge.

It is terrifying when you have thought about all the different ways you could end your life and those thoughts come easily to you. I would never follow through with any of them, but I can't stop those thoughts from still occasionally entering my mind. Occupying that little spot of doubt and lack of self confidence.

I've been working so hard on trying to change my mindset, trying to retrain my brain to think positively. To ignore the voices in my head. The same voices that tell me that I'm responsible for my daughters death. That I shouldn't care about what other people think, but I do.

I am an amazing person. I am blessed. I know love. I have lived. I'm grateful. I'm someone's wife, lover, best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, granddaughter, colleague. I'm a mum.

I inspire people. I never quite understand why.

Retreating and hoping to find some peace....

Monday, May 6, 2013

I am still standing

Putting my thoughts and feelings into written words, hasn't come easy lately.

I sit here in the quiet still of the midnight air, feeling my chest rise and fall, hearing my breath inhale and exhale with each passing moment. There is no sound, apart from the click of each key I press on my laptop. Writing the words as my fingers connect to the keyboard, pouring the words from my soul. I close my eyes and be still with this moment. Thankful to just be. Thankful for every breath I have taken. Still with each moment and memory past. Thankful for the love and joy in my life. Thankful.

Just over four years ago I gave birth for the second time. I became a mum again. This makes me smile. I inhaled and exhaled with a purpose to deliver my second child, my first little girl physically into this world. I was guided and supported by my husband and my midwives through the birth of my daughter. The passage of birth, a new precious life that was over before it had begun. With one final force of air through my lungs and pushing with all my strength, my eyes closed for fear of losing my strength, forgetting this memory, my daughter was born into this world, never to take a single breath.

In that single moment of time. She took my breath away.

Birth is supposed to be this big beautiful moment of pure happiness, joy, and hope. It still was all these things and more. The elation of meeting our beautiful little girl that had been wriggling around, gently tugging at my heartstrings for 9 months was overwhelming. I felt happiness and nothing but pure love for my daughter. I still feel this way. I will always feel this way. I don't think of her with sadness. How can I be sad about someone so beautiful? I think of Yasminah with love and peace in my heart. I can close my eyes and pull myself back into that moment in time, where everything stood still. My daughter Yasminah may have been born still, but it is because of her that I am still standing.

I am still standing.

Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day. I send my love, support and hope to mums everywhere. To the mums who yearn to hold their babies in their arms, I want you to know that this will get easier. You will still be standing as time passes. Sending you all hope, light, love and happiness <3 class="goog-spellcheck-word" span="" style="background: yellow;">Bec