Friday, March 26, 2010

How we celebrated Yasminah's 1st Birthday

Today marks 1 year since our darling little daughter was born sleeping. 1st birthdays are usually a huge celebration, with lots of presents, food, cake and balloons. I remember planning Zach's 1st birthday months in advance and we ended up celebrating Zach's 1st birthday over 3 huge days as there were just too many people to fit into our little unit at the one time. This year and this 1st birthday is different. Our little girl isn't here to blow out a candle or eat cake for the first time. But we still made the day as special as we could.

The day started off as it normally does 4am wake up to breastfeed our miracle twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah. Then back to bed for an hour before Zach wakes up and we all get up to start the day - ironing Moh's shirt for work, getting breakfast ready and Zach dressed for the day. Zach went to daycare today, which left me time alone to reflect on my memories of Yasminah.

I have a huge box filled with Yasminah's memories. It contains a scrapbook, the front of it has a photo of Yasminah in her little white knitted beanie and beautiful little white dress. She really looks like an angel. Over the top of the photo is a quote from Helen Keller
"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart"
It contains pictures of all her ultrasound scans, letters received from our Dr's and photos of me when I was pregnant with her. Then photos of Yasminah when she was born. Having her first and only bath. A photo with mummy and daddy and individually. It also contains my discharge papers from hospital detailing her birth. Yasminah's birth certificate. Poems. Sympathy cards and one very special card I hold dear to my heart one that reads

"May your new little one bring you lots of happiness and love....every step of the way."

It was given to us the weekend before we lost Yasminah by two very special friends Casey and Stavros, along with lots of gifts for her one of which was a cute little piglet comforter blanket which is also in her memory box. Receiving one card that celebrates our little girl meant soo much to us after we lost her. It was nice for someone to congratulate us and to have a pink card with little feet imprints on the front. Opposed to the few sympathy cards we received. So I have never been able to say it but Thank you Casey and Stavros you don't know how much that card means to me...

The memory box also contains a DVD of our 12 week ultrasound. I watched it today and marvelled at my little baby alive on my laptop screen, kicking and rolling around and then I heard her heartbeat.........167 beats per minute. Nice and strong. The DVD goes for 4 minutes and 58 seconds. The only recorded moment of my girl physically well, alive and kicking. How special it is to have this memory of her :)

Other things I have kept in her memory box is little socks that read little sister - they were going to be Zach's gift to Yasminah. There is also a little outfit that was purchased as her going home outfit. Then there is the blanket. The blanket that we held our little girl in. It has lost her smell, it just smells like the box now, but I remember her being held in it. Secure in my arms

There is also a book called "We were gonna have a baby, but We had an angel instead." It is a book for children to explain the death of a baby. It reads

We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead
My mummy had a baby in her tummy.
I was real excited about that most of the time.
I thought about playing ball with my baby,
And building a fort,
And playing tricks on our parents.
I loved to listen to the baby,
And talk to the baby,
And I really like it when the baby would knock
on mummy's tummy to get my attention.
But something happened. The baby died.
Our baby is not going to live with us.
We are all sad right now.
Mummy sits in the rocking chair, holding the baby's blanker
and cries alot.
Daddy is building a box to put some of the
baby's presents in.
Even Grandy and Pops wish the baby would have stayed.
I'm sad too, but I think they are sadder.
Grandy says the baby can always live in our hearts.
People send us flowers and cards, but we still miss our baby.
If this just happened to you, I'm sorry you got an angel
instead of a baby.
I think having a baby would have been more fun.

The first time I read this to Zach I struggled to get through it. We only read this book a few times

Another book we purchased that we read to Zach ALOT during the pregnancy to get him used to the idea that he was going to have a sibling was "There's a house inside my mummy". Zach absolutely loved this book and still to this day it's one of his favourites. He wanted me to read it to him last night and again tonight. I know that book word for word.

So back to the day. After going through her things and the scrapbook and watching the DVD, it was time to feed the girls before getting myself some lunch. But I had a surprise visitor!! My darling husband came home for lunch, it's not usually something he is able to do but today of all days was wonderful to have him here. He bought me a bunch of my favourite flowers Gebra's and pink gebra's too. We sat and had lunch together, then he had to head back to work. The girls were both now asleep so I made Yasminah's birthday cake! A simple arrangement of cupcakes in the number one. Topped with vanilla icing. I then found some balloons in the kitchen drawer. Surprisingly I had exactly 9 balloons - one for each month she was alive. I blew them up knowing how excited Zach would be to come home from daycare to balloons to play with - what kid doesn't like balloons :) There was also streamers so I got them out too. His face lit up when he saw the balloons and he immediately started kicking them around the house with a huge grin on his face

The afternoon quickly passed and before I knew it, it was time to start cooking dinner. From 5pm in my house its usually chaotic, screaming babies, a tired hungry toddler and one mummy who cant wait for daddy to walk in the door so I can go to the toilet in peace for once during the day haha the absolute joys of parenting and I honestly do mean that! Its a joy! Every moment!! Good and Bad. To my delight Moh called me and said he would pick up our favourite dinner on his way home Turkish pide and chips. So no cooking!! So we ate dinner together as a family. Moh went to bed early and I fed the girls, settled them into bed. Then showered Zach and got him into bed too. We read "There's a house inside my mummy" and now the day is almost over.

I'm so lucky to have been given such a wonderful blessing in my daughter Yasminah. She has taught me many things and made me a stronger person, a better friend, wife and mother and most of all made me realize how things can come and go in your life but they can always remain in you're heart. That's where Yasminah is close to my heart. Her picture is on my bedside table in a beautiful glass frame that has glass butterflies on it - she is the last thing I see at night when I close my eyes and the first thing I see when I open them and I know one day we will be with each other again. I love you Yasminah Always and Forever Mummy x x x x x x

Happy 1st Angel Birthday Yasminah

9:58am Thursday 26th March 2009 our first daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz was silently born 2.38kg 50cm long with gorgeous thick, black curly hair.

You changed our lives forever & will always be remembered in our hearts Happy 1st Birthday to my beautiful little Angel Yasminah

In heaven there will be such bliss, the like of no eye has ever witnessed, no ears have heard about, nor any mind conceived
Prophet Mohammed Peace Be Upon Him

Lots of Love, Hugs & Kisses from Mummy, Daddy, ...big brother Zach & little sisters Aisha & Aaliyah x ♥ x ♥ x ♥ x ♥ x ♥ x ♥

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Daughter

I have a little daughter, who means the world to me
She's living with the Angels and is as special as can be
And even though she's up there, playing in the clouds
She's still my precious daughter and I am so very proud
Her picture takes pride of place on my wall
Ready to be admired by all who come to call
I know I can not hold her, or bounce her on my knee
But I only have to close my eyes, her little face to see
I never will stop missing her and wishing she were here
But sometimes I feel, indeed I know that she is very near
So play happily my little daughter, you will never be forgot
I love you so and always will, though I miss you such a lot

Yasminah Ann

This time exactly 1 year ago I was on bedrest in hospital. Patiently awaiting our first daughters scheduled delivery for later that week. I got one almighty kick & later that day when I no longer felt any more movements & learnt my baby girl Yasminah Ann had passed away inside my womb. I was alone in hospital surrounded by Dr's & nurses being told that my baby hadn't changed position her arm was still resting above her head & they could not find a heartbeat......

Nothing can ever describe that feeling & having tell my husband that our second child, his first daughter had died over the phone. I was discharged that night to go home and spend time grieving with my family. The next day I went back to hospital to be induced, but labour started naturally.

One memory that stands out in my mind is lying in bed hugging my husband holding our baby in my belly, then hearing our son Zachariah laughing in his sleep. We said then that Yasminah & the other angels must be playing with Zach in his dreams :) What a wonderful image

I'm thankful everyday for everything & everyone that I have in my life especially my amazing husband Moh & my gorgeous children Zachariah, Aisha & Aaliyah I ♥ you all sooo much! Also the overwhelming support I have received over the last 12 months - they have been the best & worst of my life!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Zach's Cooking Lessons Begin!

You need to teach them young....this is my thought with kids on cooking and well most things - manners, hygiene, eating, languages the list goes on and on.

So today in-between settling two tired little girls after their mid-morning feed I attempted my very first cooking lesson with Zach. We were going to bake a cake or cakee as Zach calls them LOL

We dressed up in our aprons and prepared to get messy. I got all the ingredients out to make my very own 5 cup cake recipe - a personal favourite that I picked up from one of my favourite Internet sites

Here is the recipe

1 Cup of Self Raising Flour
1 Cup of Brown Sugar
1 Cup of Dessicated Coconut
1 Cup of Milk
and simple add any other 'cup' of you're choice

Our personal favourite is Chocolate Chips & Cocoa Powder or today we added hundred's and thousands

Zach really enjoyed it and loved adding each cup and stirring the bowl with all the ingredients in it.

We poured all the ingredients into our butterfly cake mould. A cake mould I originally purchased when I was pregnant with Yasminah thinking we could use it to make her 1st Birthday cake. Not knowing how things would change and that she wouldn't be here to eat that cake with us. So instead of throwing it away I have kept it in the cupboard to do what I originally intended to do with it - bake Yasminah's 1st Birthday cake in it. So today was a trial run - it didn't go too well but we will perfect it next week when it is actually Yasminah's 1st Birthday.......

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Aisha & Aaliyah already 3 months old!

Where does the time go??? This time 3 months ago I was in hospital being prepped for an emergency c-section. It all happened so fast. It was Wednesday 16th December and I was almost 32 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins Aisha and Aaliyah. I remember having a really wonderful day at home with Zach. He was so well behaved and we had a visit from a beautiful lorikeet on our balcony. We fed the bird some bread and Zach really enjoyed it, he did get a little fright though when the bird flew down from the ledge and landed in front of his feet. The bird stayed on our balcony for ages.

It was a really peaceful day. I spoke to my nan on the phone later that night. We discussed how the next day I was going to the hospital to get a date booked in for my c-section. We were planning to deliver at 37 weeks. Most twins deliver at 38 weeks but because of my previous pregnancy my daughter Yasminah being stillborn at 37+4 weeks my OB wanted to deliver at 37 weeks.

How quickly things changed..........................................................

At 9:30pm I was just about to go out to do some late night Christmas shopping as I hadn't bought a single gift for anyone!! I thought I would just go to the loo one last time and I had some light spotting I called the hospital and they told me to come to hospital straight away. My neighbour Ange came up and waited with Zach, whilst Moh's mum made her way over. My bag was already packed - it had been for weeks so we drove straight away to the hospital. I had a feeling this was it!!! When we arrived I was immediately hooked up to the CTG monitors. Twin B was in fetal distress her heartbeat was over 200bpm. Then contractions hit hard & fast...........
My OB was on call and the Dr on duty called him, explained the situation and was told to begin an emergency c-section to get the girl's out. It wasnt ideal but we had made it this far. I trusted the Dr's and tried to remain positive, but only 6 months earlier in the very same hospital I had lost my daughter Yasminah. I was excited that I was going to meet my two little miracles who had been fighting for space inside my massive belly for 31 weeks and 4 days

At 11:53 Aisha was born first weighing 1555g 41cm long and 29.5cm HC Followed by her sister Aaliyah weighing 1730g 41.5cm long and 31.6cm HC

I will continue this tomorrow.....

My first ever Blog!!

I have finally got around to writing a blog! Yes I'm conforming and joining the masses in writing my thoughts and feelings down for all to view. Honestly I'm quite excited by it all. I don't really know what I'm doing but I'm sure I will get the hang of it soon enough!!! I really enjoying writing and I'm much better at writing my thoughts and feelings down than expressing them physically.

It will mainly be about my day to day life with my beautiful family and things that interest me. I will also share my photos and memories of past and present time....

I hope that this blog will help me and help others who have experienced similar circumstances - Infertility, PCOS, Stillbirth, Premature delivery and also offer Hope, Light, Love & Happiness :)