I am still standing

Putting my thoughts and feelings into written words, hasn't come easy lately.

I sit here in the quiet still of the midnight air, feeling my chest rise and fall, hearing my breath inhale and exhale with each passing moment. There is no sound, apart from the click of each key I press on my laptop. Writing the words as my fingers connect to the keyboard, pouring the words from my soul. I close my eyes and be still with this moment. Thankful to just be. Thankful for every breath I have taken. Still with each moment and memory past. Thankful for the love and joy in my life. Thankful.

Just over four years ago I gave birth for the second time. I became a mum again. This makes me smile. I inhaled and exhaled with a purpose to deliver my second child, my first little girl physically into this world. I was guided and supported by my husband and my midwives through the birth of my daughter. The passage of birth, a new precious life that was over before it had begun. With one final force of air through my lungs and pushing with all my strength, my eyes closed for fear of losing my strength, forgetting this memory, my daughter was born into this world, never to take a single breath.

In that single moment of time. She took my breath away.

Birth is supposed to be this big beautiful moment of pure happiness, joy, and hope. It still was all these things and more. The elation of meeting our beautiful little girl that had been wriggling around, gently tugging at my heartstrings for 9 months was overwhelming. I felt happiness and nothing but pure love for my daughter. I still feel this way. I will always feel this way. I don't think of her with sadness. How can I be sad about someone so beautiful? I think of Yasminah with love and peace in my heart. I can close my eyes and pull myself back into that moment in time, where everything stood still. My daughter Yasminah may have been born still, but it is because of her that I am still standing.

I am still standing.

Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day. I send my love, support and hope to mums everywhere. To the mums who yearn to hold their babies in their arms, I want you to know that this will get easier. You will still be standing as time passes. Sending you all hope, light, love and happiness <3 class="goog-spellcheck-word" span="" style="background: yellow;">Bec