Never give up

Race against the clock. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off. The bomb squad are on standby for full blown war and self destruction at any given point in time. Unstable, unwilling, unmotivated.

I wipe the tears away from my eyes. Emotion washes over my soul, the tears stream down my face. Unable to stop the water escaping from my eyes.

Barely able to keep my eyes open.

Every day is a struggle against the demons inside my head. I constantly have a raging battle against my own mind. Do you have any idea what that is like? I'm thankful if you answered no. I understand if you answered yes.

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I'm just so tired. What is the point of all this anyway.

I can tell you all the different ways I've thought about giving up. I could take all those prescription pain killers I still have left over from the day that my daughter died. I could grab some rope from the garage and suspend it from the top of my stairs, I think the drop is high enough. I could always let the grip on the steering wheel slip from my hands, and close my eyes as the car veers into the wall or over the bridge.

It is terrifying when you have thought about all the different ways you could end your life and those thoughts come easily to you. I would never follow through with any of them, but I can't stop those thoughts from still occasionally entering my mind. Occupying that little spot of doubt and lack of self confidence.

I've been working so hard on trying to change my mindset, trying to retrain my brain to think positively. To ignore the voices in my head. The same voices that tell me that I'm responsible for my daughters death. That I shouldn't care about what other people think, but I do.

I am an amazing person. I am blessed. I know love. I have lived. I'm grateful. I'm someone's wife, lover, best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, granddaughter, colleague. I'm a mum.

I inspire people. I never quite understand why.

Retreating and hoping to find some peace....

Silence is the loudest scream

Do you have any idea what it is like to have an ongoing battle with your mind? Do you know how it feels for your heart to literally ache with pain? Do you know how it feels to feel completely alone, like you are the only one who feels this way, yet you know there are thousands......millions of other people who really do understand and feel like this everyday.

I was first diagnosed with a mental illness - Depression when I was 17 years old. Depression is one of the most common medical illnesses experienced by Australians. I have been battling severe depression and today I'm speaking out. I hope that I can help one person, one mother feel like they aren't alone, that they have a choice. A chance to do something and act upon their feelings and see a professional who can help them. I have been seeing a psychologist for the past 8 weeks after hitting rock bottom and no longer being able to hold things together and fight my demons alone.

I have been suicidal, I have thought many times about taking my own life, about how to take my own life.

Every year, 21,000 Australians are bereaved by suicide. Everyday Lifeline receives 1,370 calls and tragically 50 of these calls are from people at high risk of suicide (Lifeline).

More than 2,100 Australians commit suicide each year and men are around four times more likely to die by suicide than females. For each person that dies in this way, it's estimated another 30 attempt to end their life (SANE Australia). 

7 years ago my family become one of those statistic's after my uncle took his own life. I have experienced grief, the loss of my pop during my teens, the loss of my daughter Yasminah who was born silently into this world after a full term pregnancy, but the loss of my uncle was a grief like no other. Words can't even begin to explain the complete devastation, shock and confusion on how it feels to lose someone to suicide.

Revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing. Silence is the loudest scream. Today is R U OK? Day. R U OK Day is a national day of action which aims to reduce suicide by encouraging people to connect with each other and ask R U OK and take the time to listen. Sometimes all someone needs is a shoulder to lean on, a person to let all their feelings out to. Starting a conversation today could save a life tomorrow. A friend,    a brother, sister, aunt, uncle, a work colleague or someone you pass on the street that looks in need of help.

Healing yourself is connected with healing others. Yoko Ono

I stopped loving the things I used to love doing, the things that made me passionate about life, gave me a reason to get up out of bed in the morning. I have no drive, no energy, no urgency to do anything. I'm forgetful and absent. I make plans that I can't keep. I don't feel like going out or socialising. Sometimes I can't even be bothered to shower or get dressed out of my PJ's.

After I lost Yasminah people would ask me how I was feeling, how I was coping. I politely smiled and told them I was doing 'OK'. What does that even mean.......OK. I couldn't explain how I was feeling and didn't and still don't understand any of it in my own head. It does help talking to someone, letting it all out. It can help you feel less overwhelmed, and perhaps see things in a different light. I constantly feel as though my heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces that I'm trying to put back together, but the jigsaw puzzle never comes together. There are pieces missing. Yasminah is missing. A part of me is missing. Sometimes it hurts so much that my chest feels like it's going to cave in. I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway.

It's OK to not be OK. If you need some support and aren't sure how to tell someone how you are really feeling R U OK Day has a very helpful list on their website - 'How to say I'm not OK'

WHO will you ask today? 

If you need crisis support call 1800 RUOKDAY (1800 7865 329)

If you're feeling suicidal, it's OK to tell someone you trust or call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 794 991.

If your need is life threatening call 000.

R U OK? Start a conversation that could change a life

September 15th is R U OK? Day. A national day of action to prevent suicide.


Gavin Larkin, inspirational suicide prevention campaigner and founder of R U OK Day passed away yesterday after a 19 month battle with cancer at just 42 years old leaving behind 3 children, a loving family and an amazing legacy. I encourage you to watch his story on http://www.abc.net.au/iview/#/view/826942

I was deeply moved by Gavin's passion, commitment and his own story and willingness to make a difference. Gavin experienced the loss of his own father, who took his life and ironically Gavin spent the last 19 months of his life fighting to keep his life. My uncle also took his life. It came as a huge shock to everyone in the family. He 'seemed' to be 'ok'. He had 2 gorgeous little boys, a new love in his life, and all the material things that deemed him as successful. Only a few weeks prior, he had visited his family, taking a vacation. Looking back on it now, we realize that he was probably saying his goodbye to us all. To think that we could of prevented him taking his life, by keeping in touch with him and making sure he was ok will stay with us forever.

Suicide is a serious mental health issue, and help is available. You are never alone on your journey, in your thoughts and feelings, there is always someone, somewhere out there that can help. I know as I too have suffered depression and many years ago thought of taking my own life. I was very lucky to have someone there to ask me if I was OK, and to pull me out of the depths of my depression. It made me a stronger person, and made me even more determined to live my life to its fullest.  


Its OK not to be OK, its OK to cry at times, its OK to not feel right, its OK to not want to ask for help... but its OK to know I'm here to help. Its OK to cry on my shoulder, its OK to tell me whats going on, its OK for we all get like this... R U OK today?




R U OK Day http://www.ruokday.com.au/
Lifeline 24/7 13 11 14