Best Before

Today grief pulled me back into the depths of sadness and reality that my daughter died.

Doing the mundane task of groceries, one by one I checked off the items on my shopping list. As I walked through the meat department I searched for the Kangaroo Sausages my son loves! Kanga Banga's! Quite a funny name, but a huge hit in our family with mashed sweet potatoes. I don't know about you, but when I'm shopping I always check the back of the shelves for the freshest produce or the furthest best before date. Reaching to the back for the freshest Kanga Banga's and the date took me by surprise.

Best Before 26.03.2013

It stopped me in my tracks. It's not like it's the first time I've seen her date of birth on something, especially on something trivial like food packaging. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.

Birth day

Today is my birthday. A day that should be happy and filled with joy, love from those around me and cake! Yet I sit here and all I can think about is it is another birthday without Yasminah here with me.

I've been doing OK lately......it's been a while since I have felt the immense pain and weight of intense grief and heartache that losing a child brings. It comes and goes. The birthdays and anniversaries after you have lost a child can feel very isolating and each time another birthday or anniversary passes, you feel another piece of you breaking away.  

I was very lucky that I got to celebrate one of my birthday's when I was pregnant with Yasminah. I remember really wanting to do something special that day. Something we would remember, my last birthday as a mum of one. It was a really beautiful summer day. We drove to the historic Blue Mountains to visit the Three Sisters, have some lunch and then some desert.

27 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my second child ~ Yasminah ~

The Three Sisters ~ Blue Mountains ~ Australia

Zach had so much fun running around exploring his surroundings. Such an inquisitive young man. 

We then ended our visit at the famous Chocolate Shop where we each had a piece of cake and some ice cream for desert. It was a wonderful day, filled with many special moments and memories.

When I look at photos of myself when I was still pregnant with Yasminah, before I lost her I see a totally different person. I see the innocence, the hope, the excitement about our growing family, the anticipation of having a daughter to love.

I loved being pregnant and watching my belly grow. Yasminah was our miracle baby and we were so incredibly excited that we were only weeks away from meeting her. Our son was going to have a little sister to fuss over and probably fight with. Life was perfect.

I'm extremely lucky and blessed that my first birthday without Yasminah the following year, was also my first birthday with my twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah and also the day they both came home from the NICU. It also happened to be my 30th birthday. What an incredible birthday gift! For the first time in a long time, I finally felt the joy return to my life. Despite their premature birth, the long days and nights in NICU, the bumps in the road along the way, Aisha and Aaliyah were here and brought me so much love and happiness. I had two beautiful baby girls to care for and hold in my arms to watch and grow. Nothing will ever fill the gap that Yasminah left, but having something to hold onto, a small glimmer of hope that things would be ok was all I needed.

Zach returned to preschool this year and Aisha and Aaliyah started one day a week. So because my birthday falls on a Monday, my babies are all at preschool today. It kinda makes me sad that I won't be sharing the whole day with them, but we had breakfast together, and my son has requested his favourite dinner(and also mine) butter chicken. I'm really looking forward to them coming home, sharing dinner, blowing out the candles on my cake that my husband is bringing home hint, hint ;-) and the bedtime. More special memories.

Birthday's aren't about how many presents you receive, or what you did on the day. It's about the special gifts your already have in your life, the moments and memories that can't be bought or sold. The love of your family, your friends and people who care about you. Living each moment with them and celebrating the day your own mother brought you into the world - your birth day. Motherhood is an incredible gift. I am so very thankful for all 4 of my children and to my own mum who brought me into this world - Mum Happy Birthing Day!

Life is what you make of it

If I have learnt anything from the loss of Yasminah, it's that life is short and to make the most out of each and every moment.

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish your memory, and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want,

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins

Today my husband and I celebrated our love as this day 12 years ago we first started dating. We have been through many up's and downs together but always make the most of what we life gives us. One thing that really helped me the weeks following Yasminah's death was something my husband said to me.

You choose how you deal with it

This simple statement turned my life around. I was in the deepths of dispair and struggling to function day to day. I consider myself to be a positive person and I always try to look on the bright side of life, even after everything I have experienced but losing Yasminah broke me and my spirit and changed me forever. BUT after that statement I chose I how I dealt with it and chose to make the most of our heartache and cherish her memory and let her live on in the lives of others, hopefully making a difference to their life.

Life is what you make of it, so smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Happy Anniversary to my friend, lover, husband and father of our children. I will always remember the first time we met and the fun we had getting to know each other before becoming husband and wife. You always make me laugh and give me a reason to smile. I cherish the memories we have made together and cant wait to see what the next 12 years will bring I will love you always and forever x x x x x x

on another note, I just realized today's date is the 26th.....Yasminah has been an angel for 1 year and 4 months

Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You
can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it
back.
Harvey MacKay

Happy 1st Angel Birthday Yasminah

9:58am Thursday 26th March 2009 our first daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz was silently born 2.38kg 50cm long with gorgeous thick, black curly hair.

You changed our lives forever & will always be remembered in our hearts Happy 1st Birthday to my beautiful little Angel Yasminah

In heaven there will be such bliss, the like of no eye has ever witnessed, no ears have heard about, nor any mind conceived

Prophet Mohammed Peace Be Upon Him

Lots of Love, Hugs & Kisses from Mummy, Daddy, ...big brother Zach & little sisters Aisha & Aaliyah x ♥ x ♥ x ♥ x ♥ x ♥ x ♥