A Book About Death Australia

A Book About Death EXHIBITION

Tweed River Art Gallery, New South Wales, Australia.

18 October - 24 November, 2013

This international exhibition originally conceived by Paris artist Matthew Rose was first exhibited in the Emily Harvey Gallery, New York in September 2009.

The exhibition became a world wide phenomena, involving work from over 500 artists and inspiring artists to curate off shoot exhibitions throughout North America, South America, Europe and Britain.

Now 300 artists from more than 20 countries have submitted new artworks for the Australian exhibition at Tweed River Art Gallery in October 2013.

The gallery has magnificent views over the Tweed River and surrounding mountain ranges.
Multiple stacks of artists' postcards will be on the window alcove seats for gallery visitors to take home and create their own 'unbound' book about death.

Back in February I came across the 'A Book About Death Exhibition. I was inspired and in awe of the artists sharing their gift, expressing what death means to them. Their personal, creative expression of grief. loss and heartache. I knew immediately that it was something I needed to be involved in. This had landed on my screen for a reason. This was my opportunity to express via visual art my grief. My book about death. 

I'm thrilled,excited and slightly daunted that I've just submitted my very first official exhibition piece for the 'A Book About Death Australia' Exhibition, to be held at the Tweed River Art Gallery opening the 18th of October. Below is my submission. 

What does death mean to you?

Offering Condolences

Many families like to keep notes, cards or letters received from their friends and family as keepsakes to remember their child.

When someone close to us suffers the loss of a child, it can be hard to find the right words to write in a card or letter to offer your condolences. Finding the right words and expressing them with love, care and compassion can help someone heal from the emotional pain the loss of a child brings. Losing a child is different than losing a parent or grandparent. Everyone grieves differently and finding the right words to say can be difficult. You don't want to say something that will cause any extra distress to the family.

To avoid unintentionally hurting someones feelings, don't minimize the loss of their child by using cliches such as; "everything happens for a reason", "God needed another angel", "[child's name] won't suffer anymore" or "time heals all wounds". It is important not to offer advice as to how a family should grieve, especially if you have never personally experienced the loss of a child. In other words, never say "you should do this", "you shouldn't do that", "you can have another baby". Sometimes the simplest sentiment "I'm sorry" or "I don't know what to say" may be enough to show you care.

Send the family a card or letter as soon as you find out about the loss of their child. If you are close to the family it is nice to share and express how much you will miss their child and what they meant to you. If you weren't close to the family, simply acknowledge their loss.

Finding a card specifically for the loss of a child can be difficult. Most newsagents and department stores have a 'sympathy card' range. You can also purchase cards online specific to bereavement online through Zazzle or Carly Marie and Franchesca Cox have a wonderful card range designed specifically for pregnancy, infant loss and infertility. This beautiful and unique collection of cards is named "Lost for words" All cards in the standard 6 x 4 size are $2.98 each.



Below we have shared some words to help you express your feelings with grace and compassion.

'The right words can be so hard to find. Simply know that I'm thinking of you every moment'

'We send you our love and heartfelt prayers that you may find the strength you need to get through each day'

'Please accept my sympathy for the terrible loss of your child.'

'Our Deepest Sympathy'

'Our Heartfelt Condolences'

'Our thoughts and prayers are with you'

'So small, so sweet, so soon'

'[Child's name] will never be forgotten'

'Always in our hearts'

'May you find peace and comfort'

'Sending you our love and deepest sympathy'

'Please be patient with yourself and take all the time you need'

'I would love to know more about your child and I'm here any time you want to talk'

'I'm so sorry for your loss, please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers'

'Even on your darkest days there's an angel beside you to guide you along the way'

'If you need a friend to talk to or just someone to sit with in silence, I am here for you'

If you prefer to write the family a letter, below is an example. This is more specific for a family who have experienced a stillbirth, neonatal loss or infant loss, but can easily be adapted for any bereavement.

Dear _____________,

1. Recognize the loss and mention their child's name

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious child__________________.

2. Convey your sympathy

I was heartbroken to hear the news, and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

3. Recount any special qualities of the child or pregnancy that you can recall

I still remember when you announced your pregnancy and the very first time I felt ________________ kick inside your belly.

4. Point out the strengths of the bereaved

I know that the depth of love that you and your family share for each other and for _____________ will pull you through.

5. Offer specific help

I'd like to help by cooking you a meal on Thursday evening.

6. Conclude your words of condolences letter with an encouraging hope or wish

I wish there was something more I could say or do to take away your suffering, but instead please know that I care for you and I'm here for you. Wishing you hope, light, love and happiness

Your signature

This is merely an example, of what to write in a words of condolences letter. Use it as a guide, but feel free to insert your own thoughts and feelings into your letter. Speak from the heart and you can be sure that your words of condolences will bring comfort to your grieving loved ones.

Alternative ways to offer condolences

• Listen, hold the parents' hands and allow them to cry or talk about their child.
• Give them a hug.
• Have a tree, flower or bush planted in memory of their child.
• Cook a few meals in freezable containers and leave them at their house or arrange a home delivery service from Aussie Farmers Direct or Coles Online.
• Help the family with household chores like shopping, cleaning, washing, lawn mowing, garden maintenance etc
• If the deceased child had siblings, offer to take them out to a movie or to the park. They're grieving too and need attention.
• Offer to help look after siblings whilst the parents can receive some rest, or time away for a coffee or movie together.
• Arrange a family holiday so the family can escape for a few days and privately grieve their loss.

Some Last thoughts

Even though the parents may not recognize it immediately, they will be very thankful for your words of condolence. Remember to always speak of the child by his or her name because it puts a value on the child's life, no matter how long or short it was. Condolences can also be sent or given on the child's birthday and anniversary of death often referred to as 'angelversary'. The parents will be humbled that someone remembered their child and thought of their family on these dates. If the parents have gone on to have more children, that doesn't mean they don't want to talk about or have forgotten about the child who died. Their deceased child will always remain a very important part of their family.

No one knows.......

No one really knows exactly how I truly feel. How much I still miss you and ache from your absence in our family. There are simply no amount of words, or the 'right' words I can express to say how I truly feel, not even to those closest to me. I think about you every day, I still cry tears out of happiness of how much I love you and how blessed I am to be your mummy. You have changed me incredibly. My beautiful, beautiful little girl you are a true gift.

Tears stream down my face. I don't know if I will publish this post, but it's here to help me when and If I decide to. I wonder if anyone will mention your name, if your sweet name will pass through people's lips, if you will be thought of on your birthday. I just miss you so much. I am so grateful to have your baby sisters and older brother to love, care and cherish each day. At the same time I feel your absence and wonder about what you would be like.

I was asked recently 'Are you OK now?' by a newly bereaved family. The questioned stumped me as I wanted to answer and say yes, I am OK, but I was honest. It gets easier.....sometimes and other times I think it gets harder. Milestones, anniversaries, birthday's, holidays, at each moment in time you wish they were there a part of your life. There are days when it can be like yesterday that I held Yasminah in my arms and all the pain and heartache resurfaces like an old wound aching in the winter.

But there is also hope, hope that a new child can bring. I briefly shared my story of our rainbow girls and how they have helped bring joy and happiness back into our lives. The tears ease as the days pass. You slowly venture back out into the world of doing the mundane tasks like cleaning, shopping and socialising with friends and family. Bravely holding in your sadness as you pass a pregnant woman or a family cooing over a newborn baby. It's hard when friends announce they are pregnant. You wish them nothing but happiness and pray that everything will be OK, but you wish you had your child in your arms, or if you have started the road of trying to conceive you wish to be pregnant too. Not to fill a gap, as nothing can or ever will replace the child you lost. But to once again have joy in your life, to nurture a baby, to watch them grow. Once you are pregnant you vow never to take for a granted a restless nights sleep, a dirty nappy or having the last feed splatted all over you, the lounge and the floor. You wish so much to be able to do those things.

When your pregnant friend goes into labour, it feels like a knife going deep into your chest. You hope and pray that everything is going to be OK and that they will get to take home their baby, that the labour will go smoothly. That their child will be born healthy. Then the baby is born and you know you will have to visit them and hold them in your arms. You brave the shops buying newborn clothes and hold back your tears when asked by a passer by when are you due? As you still have a 'baby' belly and look pregnant. You walk into the maternity ward, remembering the last time you were there. You then realise the last baby you held in your arms was your own and that soon another sacred moment will be gone. You feel like a thousand eyes are watching you hold that baby, too scared to say something wrong that might upset you. It feels strange to have a warm, moving, breathing baby in your arms, but comforting at the same time.

Friends status updates wishing that their child would 'go to sleep' have a different meaning. You would do anything to be kept awake by a restless baby, because at least they would be alive and you would be holding them safe in your arms. For weeks after losing Yasminah, because everyone kept referring to her as 'born sleeping' I used to freak out about my son dying in his sleep. I was a member of an online forum where mothers who had lost babies and children to SIDS shared their stories. Because my eldest was only 20 months old, I feared that God had already taken away one of my children, what was to stop him from taking away my son! I checked on him every night to make sure he was still breathing, still moving, still alive. It might sound crazy but it's true and completely normal to feel this way. If you have other children, I think you smother them with love and affection and maybe spoil them a little too much. But you do what you need to do, to get through each day. Life is short, our children we have lost have taught us this. Take each day as a gift, hold your loved ones, tell them how much you love them.

No one really knows what this is like, and even then each person's journey is so different and unique to that family and their special child.

No one knows.......and I wish no one ever had to know what this truly feels like.

OMG I'm Pregnant!

We found out we were pregnant for the third time, 9 weeks after losing our second child, our first daughter Yasminah Ann. It was in my mind, a natural miracle. A gift of hope, born from love and great loss.

I still remember my husband looking at my belly and asking me If I could be pregnant. I immediately dismissed the suggestion replying that I was still 'just fat'. Placing my hands on my wobbly belly, staring at the marks permanently etched into my skin. Marks of love, honour and growth. A part of my body that once held so many dreams and nurtured two precious babies. The crushing weight of knowing I'd only ever get to hold one of my babies in my arms lived with me each time I saw my scarred body.

The doubt, fear and excitement set in. Could I be pregnant? Would this baby die too? What would people think? Yasminah just died! Are we ready to have another child? Who cares what they think! OMG we might be pregnant! There could be a baby growing inside me right this very moment.

Then I was late........So I did a test, but I was so busy that I didn't wait the three minutes for the lines to appear. I saw one faint line appear on the test and put it aside on the bathroom vanity and went on with the day. Perhaps it wasn't being too busy to stop, it was the fear that held me back from waiting any longer after seeing that one faint negative line appear. My body had failed me, it had failed my child only a few short months beforehand. How could I believe that anything positive could happen after the devastating loss of my one and only daughter.

How on earth could I be trusted to deliver another healthy, living, breathing child into this world? How could I be trusted with growing another child? How could I trust my body growing a new child? A million and one questions and doubts ran through my mind. There was this little glimmer of hope and I grasped it with both hands and held onto it tight! How beautiful would it be to have the opportunity to grow our family, to bring another child into this world, to give my son the sibling he so desperately wanted. To feel that moment of happiness when you hold your newborn child in your arms.

It wasn't until after lunch, cleaning the ensuite I realized the test was still sitting on the bathroom vanity. When I picked it up, holding it in my hands, I couldn't believe my eyes! There staring back at me were two pink lines!! Two pink lines. A positive pregnancy test. I was pregnant. Right in this moment there was a child growing inside my broken womb. A new child. We were going to have another child. I started shaking and crying and staring at these two pink lines that appeared on the test in my hands. Something to hope for.......

 

A Gift Of Hope for Riley James and Marley James

A Gift of Hope for Melissa and her family

Melissa's twins Riley James Lane and Marley James Lane were born at 23 weeks gestation on the 28th October 2009

Riley James was born first at 10pm weighing 680g and sadly passed away 1 hour and 55 minutes later at 11:55pm in his parents arms

Marley James was born 8 minutes after his big brother at 10:08pm weighing 550g. Marley fought long and hard but sadly joined his brother and passed away on the 27th November at 7:25pm

Sending Melissa and her family

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Melissa is holding a fundraiser for Yasminah's Gift Of Hope next Wednesday on Wear Green For Premature Babies and Children's Day for L'il Aussie Prems an organisation very close to our hearts who personally supported me during the premature birth of my twins who we are now proud to work in conjunction with supporting Premature Babies and their families

True Feelings

I sit here at the computer with thousands of thoughts running through my head. 'It' is almost here.....Yasminah's 2nd birthday. I have knots in my stomach and tears welling in my eyes as I try to type. I constantly debate if I should be so open about how I am really feeling.......but decide I can't keep this bottled up anymore and if I share a bit about my journey it may help another family who are going through the same heartache.

So today I am going to bear my whole heart for the world to see, to get a glimpse into life after the loss of my child. My second child, my first daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz. I think to myself that I shouldn't even know what this feels like, no one should. I should have my daughter here with me and my family. The question will always remain, why did this happen to us? I miss her so much. I would give anything to be able to hold her in my arms one more time, to kiss her sweet cheeks and cute button nose, brush her thick curly black locks of hair, to hold her little hand and caress her perfect feet. To whisper in her ear "I love you".

Yasminah was perfect to me, a special little girl to love and care for. She was born with a congenital limb difference. Yasminah had no right hand and 3 fingers on her left hand. Yes it would have been challenging at times but it doesn't mean we loved her any less or that we should be made to feel as though 'it was for the best'. Our daughter died, but she lived within me for almost 9 months. In those 9 months I watched as my belly grew, I felt the first flutters, which turned into strong kicks and waves of movement. We heard her heart beat during our ultrasounds and at each antenatal checkup. We watched in amazement as she grew and developed into the beautiful angel that was silently born late Thursday morning on the 26th March 2009 at 37 weeks and 4 days gestation only a few days from her planned delivery.

Yasminah suddenly passed away in utero on the 24th March and I was induced into labour the following day. I am often asked if I went through labour, and yes I did just like any other mum does to deliver their child. My husband held my hand and brought me ice cubes as I felt each contraction come and go. I was urged by my midwife to push when the time came and had my daughter placed on my chest skin to skin, then my husband cut her umbilical cord. She was still warm, and covered in vernix. We were scared but excited about finally meeting our baby for the first time. We never heard her cry, saw her open her eyes or got to change her nappy. We did get to spend several hours with her watching her get weighed and measured. We gave her a bath, before dressing her and wrapping her up to keep her warm just like any newborn baby. We didn't think it was a good idea at the time to bring our son who was only 20 months old to meet his sister, but wish I had thought differently about it and had at least one photo of my children together. My husband and I posed for a family photo and individual photos holding Yasminah. The time then came to say our final goodbyes. I wish at the time those close to us meet our little girl, but for one reason or another they didn't want to. We may have more photos today, more memories to share with others and with them. I understand they were scared, but their actions deeply hurt me and make it hard to talk about her with them today.

Moving on almost 2 years later and we have been blessed with our twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah. It was incredibly difficult being pregnant so soon after the loss of Yasminah but it was the best thing for me and I truly believe if I hadn't fallen pregnant so quickly I would of been too scared to try to have another child. Our 2nd and 3rd daughters had a rough start to life born 8+2 weeks premature, and endured 4 weeks through the roller coaster ride of the NICU. Thankfully they are here with us today and I couldn't imagine life without them. Having my daughters has helped me to heal and brought joy back into my life. I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't have them and my son as part of my life.

My husband needs to be mentioned, he is an amazing man. Strong, loving, honest, wise and kind. A tower of strength and always able to make me laugh, even during my darkest moments. We have shared many moments together over the past 12 years and I love him just as much as today as I did 12 years ago. I thank him for his support and understanding, especially when so much of my time is spent away from him during the weeknights and over the weekends as I continue to develop Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. It isn't always easy, but we get through it.

I often find myself wondering what life would be like if Yasminah was still here with us. What would Yasminah look like now? What colour were her eyes, mixed shades of brown and green like her dad and big brother, deep brown like me or piercing blue like her sisters? Would she like reading books or prefer to play with dolls? Would she be using a prosthetic hand like we had talked about with the limb clinic, or be fiercely independent like her younger sisters?

Saturday is her 2nd birthday or angelversary. As a part of the charity set up in her honour we are releasing butterflies in memory of Yasminah and all the precious children and the families we support. It has been raining for the last few days and is scheduled to rain on the weekend too. We hope the weather holds off so we can enjoy the day, so her brother and sisters can play at the park. It has been hard to do and I wonder if people will remember her birthday or show up on the day. Does she matter to them? I remember her first birthday a few beautiful friends sent me cards and one friend in particular gave me a beautiful gold star pendant that we engraved her initial and dob on. I wear it everyday as a symbol of my shining star. It was so nice to know that she has touched so many peoples lives. There have been some really beautiful people show their love and support this year by donating things for the Butterfly Release like Denni from PurpleX Design and Print who has designed an amazing canvas signature board for people to sign on the day that we can take home to remember her birthday. Michelle from Goodie Bag Exchange another fabulous business on Facebook has organised for everyone attending the day to receive a little bag filled with goodies donated by other Facebook businesses. Fiona from Eaton Photography has offered to capture the day and will put together a special memorial keepsake of all the photos available for $10, with all proceeds going to Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. I am truly thankful for the countless people the loss of my daughter has brought into my life. There are so many people who have shown their love and cried with me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I hope that I am not an emotional mess on the day and that I can enjoy it remembering the love we have for our daughter and we can celebrate her life instead of mourning her loss.