Big Beautiful Belly

Today with the help of a volunteer we took photos of items that have been kindly donated towards our upcoming fundraising auction in April. So tonight once the kids were all in bed and I had some time chilling out watching TV I decided it was finally time to get the photos up on our facebook page. But then I saw there were 3 folders - from each of the 3 digital camera's I have owned.

The first camera folder was empty, the third had the photos we took this afternoon, but the second album caught me off guard! Staring back at me was the words Yasminah and time stamped 24/02/2009 They were photos that I had obviously forgot I had taken and misplaced, until tonight.

15 photos of my big beautiful pregnant belly! Pregnancy photos from Yasminah's pregnancy. 5 photos taken on the 3rd February 2009 when I was 30 weeks pregnant and 10 photos taken 3 weeks later on the 24th February at 33 weeks pregnant.

3rd February 2009 ~ 30 weeks pregnant

I don't remember my hair being that short, but I kinda like it and I loved those pants. They were my comfie, fat belly, pregnancy pants. They were light, stretchy and I lived in them, well at night anyway as they were my PJ pants.

24th February 2009 ~ 33 weeks pregnant

I love looking back at photos when I was happy like I was in this moment. Oblivious to the pain and heartache that lay ahead. Not knowing that exactly one month from the date this photo was taken our little girl would give up her fight for life. Her little heart would stop beating. My smile was broken and heart shattered into a million pieces that I'm still putting back together.

I can see how deliriously happy I was! The anticipation and excitement of growing my second child, holding my big beautiful belly safe in my arms. I remember feeling Yasminah kick me and wiggle and squirm around. She was really active, especially at night. I'm so thankful for photos of my big beautiful belly. They are memories of a time when my daughter was alive.

OMG I'm Pregnant!

We found out we were pregnant for the third time, 9 weeks after losing our second child, our first daughter Yasminah Ann. It was in my mind, a natural miracle. A gift of hope, born from love and great loss.

I still remember my husband looking at my belly and asking me If I could be pregnant. I immediately dismissed the suggestion replying that I was still 'just fat'. Placing my hands on my wobbly belly, staring at the marks permanently etched into my skin. Marks of love, honour and growth. A part of my body that once held so many dreams and nurtured two precious babies. The crushing weight of knowing I'd only ever get to hold one of my babies in my arms lived with me each time I saw my scarred body.

The doubt, fear and excitement set in. Could I be pregnant? Would this baby die too? What would people think? Yasminah just died! Are we ready to have another child? Who cares what they think! OMG we might be pregnant! There could be a baby growing inside me right this very moment.

Then I was late........So I did a test, but I was so busy that I didn't wait the three minutes for the lines to appear. I saw one faint line appear on the test and put it aside on the bathroom vanity and went on with the day. Perhaps it wasn't being too busy to stop, it was the fear that held me back from waiting any longer after seeing that one faint negative line appear. My body had failed me, it had failed my child only a few short months beforehand. How could I believe that anything positive could happen after the devastating loss of my one and only daughter.

How on earth could I be trusted to deliver another healthy, living, breathing child into this world? How could I be trusted with growing another child? How could I trust my body growing a new child? A million and one questions and doubts ran through my mind. There was this little glimmer of hope and I grasped it with both hands and held onto it tight! How beautiful would it be to have the opportunity to grow our family, to bring another child into this world, to give my son the sibling he so desperately wanted. To feel that moment of happiness when you hold your newborn child in your arms.

It wasn't until after lunch, cleaning the ensuite I realized the test was still sitting on the bathroom vanity. When I picked it up, holding it in my hands, I couldn't believe my eyes! There staring back at me were two pink lines!! Two pink lines. A positive pregnancy test. I was pregnant. Right in this moment there was a child growing inside my broken womb. A new child. We were going to have another child. I started shaking and crying and staring at these two pink lines that appeared on the test in my hands. Something to hope for.......