Never give up

Race against the clock. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off. The bomb squad are on standby for full blown war and self destruction at any given point in time. Unstable, unwilling, unmotivated.

I wipe the tears away from my eyes. Emotion washes over my soul, the tears stream down my face. Unable to stop the water escaping from my eyes.

Barely able to keep my eyes open.

Every day is a struggle against the demons inside my head. I constantly have a raging battle against my own mind. Do you have any idea what that is like? I'm thankful if you answered no. I understand if you answered yes.

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I'm just so tired. What is the point of all this anyway.

I can tell you all the different ways I've thought about giving up. I could take all those prescription pain killers I still have left over from the day that my daughter died. I could grab some rope from the garage and suspend it from the top of my stairs, I think the drop is high enough. I could always let the grip on the steering wheel slip from my hands, and close my eyes as the car veers into the wall or over the bridge.

It is terrifying when you have thought about all the different ways you could end your life and those thoughts come easily to you. I would never follow through with any of them, but I can't stop those thoughts from still occasionally entering my mind. Occupying that little spot of doubt and lack of self confidence.

I've been working so hard on trying to change my mindset, trying to retrain my brain to think positively. To ignore the voices in my head. The same voices that tell me that I'm responsible for my daughters death. That I shouldn't care about what other people think, but I do.

I am an amazing person. I am blessed. I know love. I have lived. I'm grateful. I'm someone's wife, lover, best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, granddaughter, colleague. I'm a mum.

I inspire people. I never quite understand why.

Retreating and hoping to find some peace....

R U OK? Start a conversation that could change a life

September 15th is R U OK? Day. A national day of action to prevent suicide.


Gavin Larkin, inspirational suicide prevention campaigner and founder of R U OK Day passed away yesterday after a 19 month battle with cancer at just 42 years old leaving behind 3 children, a loving family and an amazing legacy. I encourage you to watch his story on http://www.abc.net.au/iview/#/view/826942

I was deeply moved by Gavin's passion, commitment and his own story and willingness to make a difference. Gavin experienced the loss of his own father, who took his life and ironically Gavin spent the last 19 months of his life fighting to keep his life. My uncle also took his life. It came as a huge shock to everyone in the family. He 'seemed' to be 'ok'. He had 2 gorgeous little boys, a new love in his life, and all the material things that deemed him as successful. Only a few weeks prior, he had visited his family, taking a vacation. Looking back on it now, we realize that he was probably saying his goodbye to us all. To think that we could of prevented him taking his life, by keeping in touch with him and making sure he was ok will stay with us forever.

Suicide is a serious mental health issue, and help is available. You are never alone on your journey, in your thoughts and feelings, there is always someone, somewhere out there that can help. I know as I too have suffered depression and many years ago thought of taking my own life. I was very lucky to have someone there to ask me if I was OK, and to pull me out of the depths of my depression. It made me a stronger person, and made me even more determined to live my life to its fullest.  


Its OK not to be OK, its OK to cry at times, its OK to not feel right, its OK to not want to ask for help... but its OK to know I'm here to help. Its OK to cry on my shoulder, its OK to tell me whats going on, its OK for we all get like this... R U OK today?




R U OK Day http://www.ruokday.com.au/
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