How we celebrated Yasminah's 1st Birthday

Today marks 1 year since our darling little daughter was born sleeping. 1st birthdays are usually a huge celebration, with lots of presents, food, cake and balloons. I remember planning Zach's 1st birthday months in advance and we ended up celebrating Zach's 1st birthday over 3 huge days as there were just too many people to fit into our little unit at the one time. This year and this 1st birthday is different. Our little girl isn't here to blow out a candle or eat cake for the first time. But we still made the day as special as we could.

The day started off as it normally does 4am wake up to breastfeed our miracle twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah. Then back to bed for an hour before Zach wakes up and we all get up to start the day - ironing Moh's shirt for work, getting breakfast ready and Zach dressed for the day. Zach went to daycare today, which left me time alone to reflect on my memories of Yasminah.

I have a huge box filled with Yasminah's memories. It contains a scrapbook, the front of it has a photo of Yasminah in her little white knitted beanie and beautiful little white dress. She really looks like an angel. Over the top of the photo is a quote from Helen Keller

"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart"

It contains pictures of all her ultrasound scans, letters received from our Dr's and photos of me when I was pregnant with her. Then photos of Yasminah when she was born. Having her first and only bath. A photo with mummy and daddy and individually. It also contains my discharge papers from hospital detailing her birth. Yasminah's birth certificate. Poems. Sympathy cards and one very special card I hold dear to my heart one that reads

"May your new little one bring you lots of happiness and love....every step of the way."

It was given to us the weekend before we lost Yasminah by two very special friends Casey and Stavros, along with lots of gifts for her one of which was a cute little piglet comforter blanket which is also in her memory box. Receiving one card that celebrates our little girl meant soo much to us after we lost her. It was nice for someone to congratulate us and to have a pink card with little feet imprints on the front. Opposed to the few sympathy cards we received. So I have never been able to say it but Thank you Casey and Stavros you don't know how much that card means to me...

The memory box also contains a DVD of our 12 week ultrasound. I watched it today and marvelled at my little baby alive on my laptop screen, kicking and rolling around and then I heard her heartbeat.........167 beats per minute. Nice and strong. The DVD goes for 4 minutes and 58 seconds. The only recorded moment of my girl physically well, alive and kicking. How special it is to have this memory of her :)

Other things I have kept in her memory box is little socks that read little sister - they were going to be Zach's gift to Yasminah. There is also a little outfit that was purchased as her going home outfit. Then there is the blanket. The blanket that we held our little girl in. It has lost her smell, it just smells like the box now, but I remember her being held in it. Secure in my arms

There is also a book called "We were gonna have a baby, but We had an angel instead." It is a book for children to explain the death of a baby. It reads

We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead
My mummy had a baby in her tummy.
I was real excited about that most of the time.
I thought about playing ball with my baby,
And building a fort,
And playing tricks on our parents.
I loved to listen to the baby,
And talk to the baby,
And I really like it when the baby would knock
on mummy's tummy to get my attention.
But something happened. The baby died.
Our baby is not going to live with us.
We are all sad right now.
Mummy sits in the rocking chair, holding the baby's blanker
and cries alot.
Daddy is building a box to put some of the
baby's presents in.
Even Grandy and Pops wish the baby would have stayed.
I'm sad too, but I think they are sadder.
Grandy says the baby can always live in our hearts.
People send us flowers and cards, but we still miss our baby.
If this just happened to you, I'm sorry you got an angel
instead of a baby.
I think having a baby would have been more fun.

The first time I read this to Zach I struggled to get through it. We only read this book a few times

Another book we purchased that we read to Zach ALOT during the pregnancy to get him used to the idea that he was going to have a sibling was "There's a house inside my mummy". Zach absolutely loved this book and still to this day it's one of his favourites. He wanted me to read it to him last night and again tonight. I know that book word for word.

So back to the day. After going through her things and the scrapbook and watching the DVD, it was time to feed the girls before getting myself some lunch. But I had a surprise visitor!! My darling husband came home for lunch, it's not usually something he is able to do but today of all days was wonderful to have him here. He bought me a bunch of my favourite flowers Gebra's and pink gebra's too. We sat and had lunch together, then he had to head back to work. The girls were both now asleep so I made Yasminah's birthday cake! A simple arrangement of cupcakes in the number one. Topped with vanilla icing. I then found some balloons in the kitchen drawer. Surprisingly I had exactly 9 balloons - one for each month she was alive. I blew them up knowing how excited Zach would be to come home from daycare to balloons to play with - what kid doesn't like balloons :) There was also streamers so I got them out too. His face lit up when he saw the balloons and he immediately started kicking them around the house with a huge grin on his face

The afternoon quickly passed and before I knew it, it was time to start cooking dinner. From 5pm in my house its usually chaotic, screaming babies, a tired hungry toddler and one mummy who cant wait for daddy to walk in the door so I can go to the toilet in peace for once during the day haha the absolute joys of parenting and I honestly do mean that! Its a joy! Every moment!! Good and Bad. To my delight Moh called me and said he would pick up our favourite dinner on his way home Turkish pide and chips. So no cooking!! So we ate dinner together as a family. Moh went to bed early and I fed the girls, settled them into bed. Then showered Zach and got him into bed too. We read "There's a house inside my mummy" and now the day is almost over.

I'm so lucky to have been given such a wonderful blessing in my daughter Yasminah. She has taught me many things and made me a stronger person, a better friend, wife and mother and most of all made me realize how things can come and go in your life but they can always remain in you're heart. That's where Yasminah is close to my heart. Her picture is on my bedside table in a beautiful glass frame that has glass butterflies on it - she is the last thing I see at night when I close my eyes and the first thing I see when I open them and I know one day we will be with each other again. I love you Yasminah Always and Forever Mummy x x x x x x