Our first year.....

The first Gift Of Hope was donated to family on the 26th May 2010. It took a few months to get the paperwork all filled in and approved by the various departments. On the 13th July 2010 Yasminah's Gift Of Hope became an official registered charity! Later that month we were granted deductible gift recipient status with the Australian Taxation Office (ATO) so any donations over $2 made to our organisation were tax deductible. A very big achievement, as we have been told it can take some charities years to receive this endorsement.

Over the past 12-15 months we have grown incredibly fast as an organisation. We have an amazing team of volunteers who work just as hard and are just as dedicated to our cause as I am. They all help in various ways - decorating journals, contacting hospitals, referring families to YGOH, helping us to raise funds and spreading awareness through the community so people know our service is available and we can initiate early support. We have heard so many heartbreaking stories from families who have lost their child or watched as their tiny child fought for their life in intensive care. I have personally visited some of these families and sat with them talking about their precious little baby and the battle ahead of them in intensive care. I have watched through friendships on facebook as some of these children fight, grow and survive their premature birth eventually making it home. Some have made it home only to pass away a few weeks or months later, others have been blessed with more time creating a lifetime of memories with their child. Some sadly don't make it home, or learn that like me their baby passed away in utero. Many of our families have experienced the loss of their child during infancy and we have even helped families that have lost teenage children after a long battle with terminal illness. I have cried with them on the phone and sent numerous emails back and fourth sharing our emotions and the overwhelming connection of missing our child, whether they were taken from us too soon or in a hospital ward fighting for their life. We have shared our good days and also our bad days. Being there for each other through thick and thin.

A person's a person no matter how small. Dr Suess

We have helped families from all across Australia capture memories, through our partners Smallprint, Sue-Ella Signatures Keepsake and Memorial Jewellery, Fetal Impressions, Drawing From The Heart and The Eddy Bear Company.

Through the donation of our writing journals we provide families with a place to write and express their emotions. Yasminah's Gift Of Hope Journals are a unique, special keepsake that allows families to keep ultrasound images, photos, cot cards, arm bands, and foot and hand prints as a cherished keepsake of a precious life. Each journal contains a special page that the family can fill in about details of their child like name, date of birth, place of birth and details of the funeral or memorial service if their child has passed away. We encourage families to write about their journey. The family may like to keep it is a diary during their pregnancy after being told their child has a congenital abnormality, a journey through the roller coaster ride of a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit when their child is born premature, or life after the loss of their child. Some other uses are to write about the birth of their child, write poems about how they are feeling, write a letter to their child and keep any cards or messages received from family or friends.


Personally I have grown and enriched my life from the work that I do. I have spent countless evenings up into the early hours of the morning answering requests from families, continuing to create and develop our website and perfecting our support program. I have cried silent tears as I lay in bed looking at my daughters photo on my bedside table, with immense love and gratitude for her lifelong legacy. I am now the proud mummy of 4 children and have a new found appreciation for the simple things in life and try to live each day as if its my last! Life is busy with a 4 year old and 19 month old twins, and a national charity to manage. There are some times I just want to 'be' me and spend time with my family even though there are others who need me, but my family will always come first and that's OK. I still struggle a little with how much I should share about my grief, but do find support and comfort from people who have told me just reading my blog helps them. So I will try to 'share' more of me and my crazy chaotic life!

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Dr Suess

Sometimes it's hard to believe that this happened to me, as you never think this sort of thing can happen until it does! It is so overwhelming seeing such a tiny coffin and knowing your child is in there and is gone. Or being rushed into surgery to deliver a premature baby knowing your child's life is hanging in the balance. You lose all your dreams and vision of the future. Your life changes in an instant! One thing that always helped me in any time of trouble was to pour my heart out in ink onto the pages of my journals and I hope that the families who receive our Gift Of Hope also find comfort from writing and something to look back on.

When Yasminah was born sleeping I had the same feelings I am sure many other families have of wanting to reach out to others and to help. Help educate others that this happens, help other families know they are not alone and to help make a difference and hopefully prevent even just one family from going through the heartache that we experienced. Help families have no regrets and to capture precious memories and offer advice about ways to cope, ways to remember and ways to live a different life.

It has been an incredible year and I know that it is only the beginning of many exciting things to come. I thought it would be appropriate to share Yasminah's Gift Of Hope Mission for the future...

For every parent who experiences the premature birth or loss of their child through miscarriage, neonatal loss, stillbirth, infancy loss or diagnosis of a congenital abnormality during pregnancy or after birth to receive the same level of support, understanding, information and an opportunity to create lasting memories and keepsakes of their time with their child to treasure forever.



To raise the importance of awareness and support within the community about miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal loss, stillbirth, infancy loss and congenital abnormalities.


Lobby the Australian Federal Government to officially recognise October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Thank you for all your incredible support and we hope that we have helped bring a little bit of hope, light, love and happiness your way.

Find hope to keep you strong,
Find light to lead the way,
Find love all around you,
And happiness one day

Rebecca Aziz

Stop. Look. Listen. Heal

It is easy to get caught up in life. The things we need to do, who we need to be. I read something recently that captured what we all really need to do every now and then.

Stop. Look. Listen. Heal.

Treasure the silent moments.

Take note of what is happening around you.

Listen to what your mind and body are trying to tell you.

Look after yourself, heal your mind and body. Eat good healthy food, drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest.

These are words I personally to need to listen to and act upon. My family and I have been unwell with colds, chest infections, throat infections, croup the list goes on, for the past month. Just when I think we are over the worst of it something else pops up. My poor little man got croup on his birthday and I spent most of the day cleaning up vomit and comforting my child. We had to take him to the doctor in the afternoon because he couldn't keep anything down. The receptionist noticed it was his birthday and offered her well wishes but said she felt sorry for him being sick on his birthday. He was prescribed steriods to help, but again that night he vomitted in bed so ended up spending the rest of the night in mummy and daddy's bed. There is something precious about watching your child sleep, blissfully unaware of all the troubles in the world. The extra hugs and kisses in the morning when they wake up are nice too.

Right now I am sitting rugged up in my dressing gown, surrounded by a pile of tissues, my nasal spray and an empty glass after taking no less than 6 different medications and herbal supplements in an attempt to heal. I am on my third course of antibiotics and to say I am over it would be an understatement. I am sick of being sick!

So I will be taking it easy over the next few days. I am sure last nights weakness ordering pizza for dinner wasn't a great start to my eat well, live well philosophy, but hey we all have moments when picking up the phone becomes easier than standing in the kitchen preparing a meal. On the upside Aisha and Aaliyah enjoyed their first taste of pizza and we did try to keep it healthy by ordering vegetarian and cheese pizza's. Oh and there is some left over for lunch!

Reflective Writing Challenge - How did they make you feel?

July's reflective writing challenged is based on the following quote

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.


Maya Angelou

Write one to two pages about someone who made a difference in your journey and how they made you feel.

People often don't know what do when a friend or family member experiences something like the premature birth, loss of a child or diagnosis of a congenital abnormality. Sharing how someone has made you feel by something they have said or done, may in turn help someone else who is going through their own journey.


We would love for you to share what you write and welcome you to post it below or if you have a blog, please link back to our blog http://hopelightlovehappiness.blogspot.com/

Happy 4th Birthday Zachariah

I can hardly believe you are 4 years old! We tried unsuccessfuly for 6 years to start our family and almost gave up on our dream and then we were blessed with the gift of you. You gave us hope....

I am so lucky to have my journals to look back on through my journey into motherhood and your pregnancy and birth. I have been going back and reading your journal and reminiscing at the precious written and photographic memories I have of you. Your journal is an Intrinsic Journal and titled 'Cherish'. The front cover says

"It is in both the beauty and mystery of life we are reminded each day is a precious gift to be cherished"

I first found out I was pregnant with you on the 25th October 2006, at that stage your due date was the 28th June 2007. I actually did 5 tests just to make sure it was real. One of the first symptoms I got was backpain and just a feeling that there was something different!

Below is an early journal entry:

You are such a precious gift to me and your dad. Your'e not physically here in the outside world yet but I feel you with me at every moment of my day. You are already loved sooo much. Your mum! x x x

You arrived via emergency ceasarian after 21 hours of labour on the 4th July 2007 at 6:58am weighing 4.025kg and measuring 55.5cm long. You had the cutest button nose, the most gorgeous thick black hair, long fingernails and cute long wrinkly feet. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were mine.

You have been smiling since you were 6 hours old. You have the most amazing smile and infectious laugh, hidden behind your cheeky personality.

       

You continue to light up my life and are everything a mother could wish for a son.

You are a wonderful big brother who loves dearly and likes to dance and sing with your sisters and make them smile too.

You love to draw - everywhere, enjoy bubble baths and cooking with mummy.

We love you our little spiderman. Happy 4th Birthday Lots of Love Mummy, Daddy, Aisha, Aaliyah and angel kisses from Yasminah x x x x x x

Winter Blues

Winter blues have well and truly settled into our household. It started with my husband being unwell and followed with the rest of the family. Zach, Aaliyah and myself got sick first then Aisha. It always worries me when Aisha gets sick as she doesnt bounce back as well as her brother or sister and usually ends up in hospital. Thankfully the antibiotics seem to be working for her. Today I managed to get extra hugs and kisses from both the girls and Aisha stood unassisted for a few minutes, so even acheived another milestone. Thankfully she is on the road to recovery.

Personally I am on my second round of antibiotics and feel that they just aren't working. I still feel sick and every morning wake up hoping today will be the day I start to feel better! I look after my body as much as I can because it is important being a mother, wife, friend and running a charity full time. If I'm not well then everything else falls behind.

Our eldest child Zach is turning 4 in a few days and as his birthday approaches I tend to think about Yasminah more and being sick hasn't helped my over all well being. I am a big sook when I am sick and really want to crawl into a ball and do nothing, but 'nothing' isn't an option when you are a me. There hasn't been a lot of cooking or cleaning or anything happening and it is starting to take it's toll. I wish there was a fairy who could come and cook, clean and look after me so I can get better. After expressing this wish to a friend today I had to have a little giggle when she offered to come help me out and even slip into a fairy costume to make me feel better. Every one needs friends like this and for a moment it lifted my mood.

It makes me sad that we don't have Yasminah here to share her brother's birthday with us. That instead we will visit her grave. It makes me sad that people think we should be over her and we should move on. Our lives have moved on, we can stop that from happening but she is a part of our family, a part of me and I miss her. I just miss her :(

Please forgive me if I don't reply to your email or message straight away. It's nothing personal I am just feeling the winter blues and life, grief and the pain sometimes becomes overwhelming.

Reflective Writing Challenge - What Happened?

Today we will begin a series of reflective writing challenges, to inspire you to write and to help you to heal.

Our first challenge - What Happened?

Make a list of what happened in your life. Tell your story. It is often helpful to start at the beginning for healing to take place. Relive the day your life was forever changed. How did you feel? How did you react?

It may be hard. You may cry, but let the tears flow and hopefully the words will follow.

We would love for you to share what you write and welcome you to post it below or if you have a blog, please link back to our blog http://hopelightlovehappiness.blogspot.com/




Wishing you Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Bec and Erin x x

Heartfelt Reminders

Frederick James Lewis passed away on the 14th June 1998 in Southport, Queensland. He was laid to rest in Nerang on the 17th June 1998. I was in year 12 studying for my HSC exams when my poppy passed away from a tough battle with cancer. This was my first taste of grief and the overwhelming scars it leaves on your heart. This is from one of the very first journals I ever owned. It is kept safe in a beautiful box with a bright green ribbon wrapped around it. It contains memories and thoughts of people I have lost in my life. It is simply called 'Peace'. It is remarkable to read back on this particular journal entry, as I experienced many of the same feelings after losing Yasminah.



Poppy I miss you everyday and wish you that you could of met my beautiful family. I know you will be taking good care of my angel Yasminah and hopefully letting her play in the mud too x x

Heartfelt Reminders

Grief overwhelmed me. I tried to hide the tears. We were asked to stand up and pray. I heard them close the coffin and saw them place the flower arrangements back onto the coffin.

We had come to say goodbye. Goodbye to a man whom we loved dearly and hold close to our hearts. He was my grandfather. My father's father. His life was short lived but happy. Even in his last days as we call them now, he was happy.

My sadness extends further than my words, it's hidden in my heart. Buried deep in that little corner of my soul. I mourned the passing of a great man and things lost forever. He was English by birth, a Catholic by nature. A true authoritarian, who stood his ground with a tough will, but a kind forgiving heart. He lived a hard life where the milk was straight from the cow and there was no sewerage system, he had seen two wars and fought in one. Transport was hard and he often walked miles to reach his destination. Equality between women and men was unheard of, as were the children.

A tear rolls down my cheek, the moment of realisation of love. You don't know what you've got until it's gone! No more care and share of family stories and those fun new year's eve parties. All that's left now are heartfelt reminders.

The eulogy was read by the eldest son. I was asked to read something as I am the eldest grandchild, but I was too overcome with grief. Then I noticed her, my grandmother standing there all alone among the crowd of familiar faces. Her eyes were fixed on my uncle as he read the eulogy. A smile ear to ear, a tear strolled down her cheek. Her eyes fixed on my uncle. Her love is one I've yet to experience, but know exactly what I'm looking for. Her sorrow is deeper than ours. She had lost not only her husband, provider, father of their children but her best friend, her soul mate.

The psalm was read;

The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads my beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the path of righteousness For his names sake. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil. For thou art with me; Thy rod and staff, they comfort me. Thou dost prepare a table before me. In the presence of my enemies; Thou hast anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me. All the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.
Twenty third Psalm

The hymns all carried 'on eagles wings'. The service was smooth and the saddest experience of my life.

I looked at her again. She was seeing more than you and I. Feeling more pain than any of us felt. I wondered if she was all cried out. My heart began to ache. I remembered. Her grief I wondered was it for now, or years ago. Her mother was taken in similar circumstances.

The solitary tear is etched in my mind. His birthday was two weeks after his death, I wonder, how did she cope. Her life will never be the same, as will mine. There is a void, a missing person. A hug that will never be.

After the service we go back to the house. I remember him, after loosing so much weight. Small and frail. Skin hanging bone to bone. My grandfather or my 'poppy' as he was know had a terminal disease. No cure, as yet has been found but it's opened my eye's to life.......and death. I wonder how you're feeling now, I wonder if you see our pain. Forever in our memories you will remain.

My nan opens his closet, with all his clothes in it. She walks out of the room. Tears are shed. I hold her in my arms and tell her it will be alright. But will it? I tell her I'm here for her. Her sorrow comes from deep down inside. All that's left now are heartfelt reminders.


I have never shared these words with anyone or shared this drawing of my poppy, not even with my nan, but today 13 years on, nan I want you to know we remember and love him dearly. This was also read at my poppy's service - to every one missing a loved one today, this is for you

To One In Sorrow
Let me come in where you are weeping friend
And let me take your hand
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand
Let me come in - I would be very still
Beside you in your grief
I would not bid you cease your weeping friend
Tears bring relief
Let me come in - I would only breathe a prayer
And hold your hand
For I have known a sorrow such as yours
And understand
~Grace Noll Crowell

What are your Heartfelt Reminders?

I've learned.....

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
— Maya Angelou

Right Where I Am: 2 Years 2 Months 16 Days

I follow a lot of blogs written by other babylost mumma's from all around the world. One blog I follow and love to read as her posts are always inspiring is Angie from Still Life With Circles

I am joining in on the Right Where I am Project, where you do exactly that, write about where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically. It is a chance to write about where life is right now for me, in this very moment after the loss of my second child, my first daughter. How things were back in the early days of loss and how they are now. Right Where I Am 2 Years, 2 Months and 16 Days into my journey

I am a 30 year old woman. I have been married for a decade to a very funny, deeply passionate man who is my best friend. I am a proud mum of 4 children and I volunteer my time to run a non profit organisation helping other families who experience miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal loss, stillbirth, infant loss of their child or diagnosis of a congenital abnormality.

I will do my best to describe where I am. I still find it hard, hard to share, hard to talk, hard to grieve. Hard to express the ache deep within my heart, especially to those on the outside looking in. I feel I have grown as a person, friend, a wife and a mother. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I sometimes wonder right now if my 'friends' think I am nuts. I know they think I should be 'over it' but losing a child is not something you ever get over, nor do you get through it. You just learn to live a new life. When you lose a baby who has never taken a breath, you don't have the same memories as if you lost a spouse or a relative, someone who was an adult and lived a life. I don't know what colour Yasminah's eyes were, or what her voice sounded like, or how she would look if she smiled or laughed! I have only a handful of photos and memories of her time within my womb.

It's like my heart has been scarred, permanently damaged. The early days and weeks after losing Yasminah I thought I could never go on. I wasn't suicidal, I was just so angry and hurt that this had happened to me! How could this happen to me? My body was confused just as much as my heart and mind. I will never forgot the day she was born, that first night listening to other babies crying in the ward and as the tears flowed from my eyes my breasts cried out for the child I longed to nurse. I wanted my daughter, I wanted sleepless nights, dirty nappies and late night feeds. I didn't want to know that the world went on, that meals still needed to be made, that washing had to be done, bills had to be paid, that the world around me had no idea that I had lost my child. I didn't leave the house, I stopped talking to my best friend who had her baby 10 days after I lost my daughter. Our children were meant to be growing up together. Everyone said I was very brave to visit my best friend in hospital so soon after losing Yasminah. I remember walking into the ward and seeing my friend and all her family were there. I felt like I had 100 pairs of eyes glued to my every move. I then held her child, I was so nervous, the first baby I held in my arms since my daughter. It felt wrong and weird to have a moving, breathing baby in my arms. This is what I should be doing not visiting my daughters grave. I held it together until I made it back to the safety of the car then proceeded to break down as the pain cut deep into my soul and the reality of everything I was missing crept in.

I felt hurt when I searched for other mums to try and relate to, I didn't want to feel alone, but that's exactly how I felt. Because Yasminah had differences I was made to feel from other mums who had perfectly healthy babies die that it was for the best because there was something wrong with Yasminah. This is the worst thing you can say to a mother who has lost a child who was different. I was angry with the world around me, angry that it kept moving. I couldn't stop crying. Why did this happen?

Two years later and I think of my daughter almost every moment of every day. Yasminah's name passes through my lips as often as I can. I cry but not as much as I used to and it is no longer always a hysterical, chest beating, screaming cry. You know the type of cry that gives you an instant all day headache, puffy and red eyes. Rather I shed silent tears, as the water flows in the shower or in the still of the night looking at her photo beside my bed. Sure there are still moments I break down and it can feel like I am right back in the beginning of my journey. I am no longer angry. It really does get a little easier as time goes on.

Emotionally I would say I am doing OK. I still have good and bad days. Today wasn't a good day but it wasn't a bad day, it was somewhere in between. I stayed in my PJ's, I didn't shower or brush my hair. I thought about her a lot! I cried a few times today. I LOVE to talk, and have the phone bills to prove it ;-) There are 3 women who I talk to on a daily basis. My best friend, we share everything and I can talk about Yasminah to her and whilst she has never lost a child she is there for me unconditionally. It is hard to watch her child grow and celebrate birthdays, but in a lot of ways it helps me too. She listens to me rant, rave and cry. This is important. You really learn who your real friends are and who you can rely on. There is a saying I love that says you have friends for a reason, season or lifetime. My best friend is a lifetime friend. I have lost a lot of my season friends, you know friends from high school, old work colleagues, and neighbours. Many of whom may read this. It is not that I didn't want to still be friends with them, rather we just didn't connect anymore. The other two women I talk to are fellow BLM who both lost their child because of a congenital abnormality. They have lost a child who wasn't prefect in the eyes of others. To us our children were perfect, we understand each other and I would be lost without them all in my life. I no longer feel alone.

I have held another baby in my arms, my rainbow babies. For me it was a no brainer to try again. It was a difficult and a challenging pregnancy filled with fear. Would there be a problem during the pregnancy? Would they pass away too? Experiencing their sudden premature birth and watching my twins fight for life was scary and confronting. But I had a silent faith in my heart that everything would be OK, that they would survive. I held onto hope. Having our twin girls after the loss of Yasminah brought joy and happiness back into my life. I got to do all those things I missed out on with Yasminah. And still do, but I always wonder what it would be like to have 3 girls. The What if's are always there. Yasminah's little sisters spent 4 weeks in NICU but are now thriving happy, beautiful little girls who are learning to walk and talk. They play with dolls and I get to brush their curly hair. They have an wonderful big brother who loves them so much but he also talks about Yasminah. I love how he includes her in our life. I am happy and blessed that I have 3 beautiful, happy, healthy, living children and an amazing husband who stands by me through it all.

Life is good at the moment, it is hard, but it is filled with hope. Yasminah was a gift to me and I will miss her always and forever. But right now 2 years, 2 months and 16 days into my journey of grief I am surviving one step at a time. Big breaths, baby steps.

Intrinsic - Adele Basheer

We are always appealing to businesses in the community to ask for their support and to help us provide families with a Gift Of Hope. We have an amazing team of volunteers who are a valuable contribution to YGOH and help us spread awareness and build support for our organisation.

Recently one of our volunteers Kylie, who has previously been successful in gaining support and donations of supplies for our journals, received the most heart warming gift to help us on our journey.

Some of you 'scrappers' may be aware of Adele Basheer and her inspiring line of stationary and scrapbook supplies. We were extrememly grateful for their generosity. We received 5 packs of 4 different designs of 12 x 12 Scrapbook paper that we use to decorate our Journals. Along with 5 different packs of stips with inspiring messages and words. Adele and the team and intrinsic were also very thoughtful by including 11 cards from their range.

Also included was a lovely card, personally written to the team at YGOH with this small inspirational quote. And you all know how much I LOVE quotes!

Dear Kylie and all Yasminah's Gift Of Love,

We admire and congratulate you on the beautiful work and support network you offer to others. Your website and Facebook page clearly displays that you are there for those in need and certainly generates a warm feeling and supports what you offer...Hope, Love, Light and Happiness.
We're thrilled that you have taken the time to reach out to us for help and are very pleased to enclose scrapbooking papers to use on your wonderful books.
At intrinsic we all share a common thread to make a difference in people's lives...to give...to help them learn and grow. Our Website intrinsiconline.com .....is one way of making a deeper connection, with Adele and many others offering their words of wisdom and hope. Of course our gorgeous freebies are very welcomed each month too, so please keep in touch!
With love and light, Trish, Adele, Jamie and all the team

For me personally this was a truly touching gift as my children's journals are from the intrinsic range. Including Yasminah's pregnancy journal.

My husband purchased these journals for me when we finally fell pregnant with our first child on the 25th October 2006 after a long battle trying to conceive. The idea was that I would use one journal for each tri-mester of my pregnancy. But I only managed to fill one journal; Cherish, with my journey through my first pregnancy. We then decided that we would keep the other journals and I would use them for future pregnancies. Not knowing then just how important Yasminah's pregnancy journal would become. I love how pretty these journals are and how they inspired me to write. Inside the journal Adele writes :

A journal should be written on pages within a cover that inspires your soul.It should be beautiful to you because your life contains beauty. It should feel precious to you because your life is precious. Your journal will become a friend for life and within its pages you will find greater insight, awareness and wisdom to encourage you on your lifes path Love Adele

I would personally like to thank Adele, Trish, Jamie and the team at Intrinsic on behalf of Yasminah's Gift Of Hope, for all their support and generosity. We have distributed your lovely donations to our volunteers to help them, help us decorate our Gift Of Hope Journals.

Dear Yasminah

To my dear daughter Yasminah,

Today I feel your love all around me. The heavens are even sending their love to earth. It has been pouring with rain for 2 whole days. You know how much I love the rain as it always reminds me of you. It was raining when you were born and when your service begun the day we said goodbye. I like to think its your way of letting me know that you are proud of everything I do in your memory and you are showering us with your love. You always manage to bring a smile to my face, when just the mention of visiting you at the cemetery brings tears from the skies.

How I miss you and wish every day that we could have you here with us. I wonder what it would be like for Zach to have his special little baby butterfly. I watched him play with a child your age and they had so much fun! He talks about you and mentions you when he spots a butterfly. He is always getting me to open my locket with your photo, footprints and lock of your beautiful dark curly hair and he likes me to keep it open, he even gets angry with me if I close it. You are very much a part of our family even though you are not physically with us. We speak your name everyday. You will forever be his Minah.

Your little sisters Aisha and Aaliyah are an amazing gift of love and hope. I often think how they might not be here if we had not lost you. As much as I want you here I wouldn't change anything in my life as they are brought us sunshine, happiness and joy after so much heartache. It still pains me that Aisha and Aaliyah don't have their big sister here, but I am glad they have each other and thankful we had twins. Daddy always says that God took you away but gave us back two. Definitely double the love and joy. It is amazing we even conceived another baby after everything daddy and I have been through, let alone twins! They are our miracle. Thank you beautiful girl for watching over your sisters and keeping them safe despite their early entrance to the world.

I knew right from the start that you were special, but I never knew how much you would change my life and make me grow as a person. I wonder what it is like in heaven. I believe in it, I have to, I have to believe that there is a place where you are happy and that we did not lose you, that we will meet again......one day

Yasminah I love you, always and forever mummy x x x x x x

Journals For June

Journals For June
Yasminah's Gift Of Hope Journals are donated to Maternity and NICU wards in public and private hospitals around Australia for families who experience miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal loss, stillbirth, infant loss or the diagnosis of a congenital abnormality during pregnancy. On average every hospital we support around Australia needs 30 journals a month.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?

Either donate a journal or donate $1 for YGOH to purchase a journal in June

*Journals can be blank or lined inside, spiral or case bound
*You can donate a journal you decorate OR send them to us plain and we will decorate them ready to donate to the hospitals

Yasminah's Gift Of Hope is endorsed by the Australian Tax Office as a Tax Deductible Gift Recipient. All donations over $2 are tax deductible.

Donations can be made by Visa, Mastercard, Bpay or Australia Post Billpay through the Everyday Hero website http://www.everydayhero.com.au/charity/view?charity=1382-

OR by Direct Bank Deposit
Yasminahs Gift Of Hope
BSB: 012556 Account Number: 905083525
Please ensure you send an email to fundraising@ygoh.org.au with your name, address and contact phone number so we can issue you with a tax receipt if donating by Direct Bank Deposit

Journals can be donated in memory of a child/ren. We place our very special Donated in Memory of Stickers to the back of each journal so the family who receive them know they are not alone. When sending the journal/s please ensure you include a note with the name/s and/or DOB of the child/ren you would like the journal donated on behalf of.

All journals can be posted to
Yasminahs Gift Of Hope
PO Box 17,
Merrylands,
NSW 2160

We would appreciate you sharing this event with your blogger friends

With Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Bec, Erin & YGOH Team

~Yasminah Ann 26.03.09~ ♥ ~Aiden Gary 21.12.10-22.12.10~

http://www.ygoh.org.au/

Gift Of Hope for Amelia Grace

A Gift Of Hope for Linda and Raymond

Amelia Grace McGowen was born the 14th August 2010

Sadly Amelia lost her fight for life on the 21st November 2010

As I write this Linda is currently 22 weeks pregnant with her Rainbow Baby a little boy Stig McGowen Due the 2nd October 2011

Wishing Linda and Raymond Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

OMG I'm Pregnant!

We found out we were pregnant for the third time, 9 weeks after losing our second child, our first daughter Yasminah Ann. It was in my mind, a natural miracle. A gift of hope, born from love and great loss.

I still remember my husband looking at my belly and asking me If I could be pregnant. I immediately dismissed the suggestion replying that I was still 'just fat'. Placing my hands on my wobbly belly, staring at the marks permanently etched into my skin. Marks of love, honour and growth. A part of my body that once held so many dreams and nurtured two precious babies. The crushing weight of knowing I'd only ever get to hold one of my babies in my arms lived with me each time I saw my scarred body.

The doubt, fear and excitement set in. Could I be pregnant? Would this baby die too? What would people think? Yasminah just died! Are we ready to have another child? Who cares what they think! OMG we might be pregnant! There could be a baby growing inside me right this very moment.

Then I was late........So I did a test, but I was so busy that I didn't wait the three minutes for the lines to appear. I saw one faint line appear on the test and put it aside on the bathroom vanity and went on with the day. Perhaps it wasn't being too busy to stop, it was the fear that held me back from waiting any longer after seeing that one faint negative line appear. My body had failed me, it had failed my child only a few short months beforehand. How could I believe that anything positive could happen after the devastating loss of my one and only daughter.

How on earth could I be trusted to deliver another healthy, living, breathing child into this world? How could I be trusted with growing another child? How could I trust my body growing a new child? A million and one questions and doubts ran through my mind. There was this little glimmer of hope and I grasped it with both hands and held onto it tight! How beautiful would it be to have the opportunity to grow our family, to bring another child into this world, to give my son the sibling he so desperately wanted. To feel that moment of happiness when you hold your newborn child in your arms.

It wasn't until after lunch, cleaning the ensuite I realized the test was still sitting on the bathroom vanity. When I picked it up, holding it in my hands, I couldn't believe my eyes! There staring back at me were two pink lines!! Two pink lines. A positive pregnancy test. I was pregnant. Right in this moment there was a child growing inside my broken womb. A new child. We were going to have another child. I started shaking and crying and staring at these two pink lines that appeared on the test in my hands. Something to hope for.......

 

Gift Of Hope for Princess Lilli

A Gift Of Hope for Rachael and her family

On the 15th June 2008, the Blaxell family were blessed with the birth of their sweet little girl Lilli Eileen Blaxell weighing 6 pds 11oz

Sadly on the 21st November 2008 Rachael awoke to find her daughter Lilli face down in her cot. After 2 autopsy reports it showed that Lilli was a perfectly healthy baby and her death was attributed to SIDS Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

Rachael honours her daughters memory by raising funds for SIDS and Kids
You can support her efforts by visiting
http://www.facebook.com/sids.kids.princess.lilli

Wishing the Blaxell family Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Thanks for the Inspiration

I get asked all the time, how I can do it? How do I give so much of myself to others and listen to stories of loss. I won't lie, it is often hard to surround myself with constant heartache. Learning that another family have had their hearts broken. Knowing exactly how they are feeling. Your heart feels heavy, you feel lost and out of control. It throws your world into complete chaos and despair. It can take me back to my own pain in an instant. I am right there beside them living the moment their world crashed down around them. I have cried a river of tears with and for many families. I can wear their shoes, I feel their pain, I know what it is like to lose a child or to have a child born premature being kept alive by machines fighting for their life!


But one word always give me encouragement to keep going, to keep giving, to keep fighting for awareness and support.

Thanks

Every now and then I put up 'Inspirational Quotes' on the Facebook page as they bring me comfort and offer hope and inspiration in life. They are a shimmer of light in a dark world.

Mothers Day I received this beautiful email.

Just wanted to say thank you for helping inspire me how to remember our baby we lost through miscarriage today on Mothers Day. You had a lovely quote on your Facebook page a couple of months ago now, and I think at the time that I commented on it saying how it really struck a chord with me. Today I wrote that quote on a piece of paper and we placed a stone inside it and wrapped it with ribbon stood on the beachfront as a family (me, DH and our 2 year old daughter).

It was perfect, with the sun softly twinkling on the water we each held the small parcel, then my husband threw it into the water,right in front of the beachfront spot we often sit and have a picnic lunch. Today as Mothers Day would have been my due date for our 2nd baby, so our little ceremony was very important to me. Just wanted to say thanks again for the inspiration.

The quote was: "The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears".

Take care, Names removed for privacy

To know that I have helped make a small difference in one family's life, by giving them inspiration to acknowledge and remember their child makes my heart smile. I am truly sorry for your loss send you lots of hope, light, love and happiness for the future.

But I really need to thank you for the inspiration. Every story of loss and heartache I read gives me inspiration to keep going, giving and fighting for awareness and support for a under acknowledged heartache experienced by 1 in 4 families every day. Thank you for sharing your own story of heartache and healing with me. I share my story and my thoughts with you, so you know you are not alone......there is always hope

Mothers Day

Mothers Day will never be the same for me after the loss of my daughter.


It was always a very special day from the moment I was pregnant with my first child Zach. I celebrated Mothers Day and every hope and dream it brought along with it. Cuddles and kisses and breakfast in bed, special paintings and handmade crafts - all of these wonderful moments to look forward to. After years of TTC I was 7 months pregnant on my first Mothers Day and finally a mum.

Most people believe that "The moment a child is born, the mother is also
born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never."
Rajneesh

I like a lot of first time mums was told like this quote that I wasn't a mother until my baby was born. But I knew and felt in my heart I was. From the moment those two pink lines show up on that little stick you are a mum! You nuture, care, provide and love your child. Everything that a 'real' mother does. You should be able to celebrate and enjoy the precious child/ren you have growing inside you and the gift of motherhood. You are a mum!

My second Mothers Day was wonderful because my son was old enough to call me mum and I remember him bringing me breakfast in bed, a beautiful card with the outline of his handprint on the back and being smothered in cuddles and kisses. This was to be my last Mothers Day where I wouldnt a shed a river of tears.

My next Mothers Day I was mourning the loss of my daughter.

Mothers Day was only 6 weeks after Yasminah was born. It was incredibly hard and full of emotions and a day I will never forget. I spent part of the day with three generations of mums, my mum, my sister and both of my grandmothers. Most of the time in tears. I then visited Yasminah at the cemetary.

We spent the evening with close friends and their family. I didn't feel like celebrating and I remember having to run out of the room because I didnt want to cry in front of them. This day had just taken on a whole new meaning and become so incredibly hard and painful.

Mothers Day is a day when all mothers should have their children with them. But all over the globe mums miss their children and children miss their mums.

And I miss my daughter.......

We are Angel Mums

We Are Angel Mums

We have share our tears and our sorrow,

We have given encouragement to each other,

given hope for a brighter tomorrow,

We share the title of Grieving Mother,

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,

Who we watched grow over the years,

Some have lost their babies before theirl lives begun,

But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,

The bond we share is very strong,

With each other there is no need to explain,

The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,

They didn't want us on this journey alone,

They knew we needed each other,

To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,

We may stumble and fall along the way,

But we'll get up and try again,

Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,

We'll create a place where we belong,

Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Mums and together we are strong!

Judi Walker

This poem is in every Gift Of Hope

Sending special thoughts today to women all around the globe. Wishing you all a gentle, loving, peaceful Mothers Day
To the mums who hold their babies in their hearts I share your tears
To mums with precious babies in your womb or in your arms Happy Mothers Day
Special thoughts are also with children missing their mums in heaven and on Earth

International Baby Lost Mothers Day 1st May 2011

Today marks International Baby Lost Mother's Day - the first Sunday of every May. It is a day where all across the world we will celebrate all mothers who are missing their babies and children.


The woman behind the International Event is Carly Marie Dudley who is the founder of To Write Their Names In The Sand and mother to her own Angel ~Christian~


The beautiful flower was taken by Carly of one of the gorgeous flowers from her garden. With the simple words 'You are a Beautiful Mother'. Words sometimes we all need to hear, especially for those of us who have no living children with us, or are missing our children.

So please share these images with your friends, change your profile picture on Facebook, tag all the Beautiful Mothers you know!

Let them know

Premmie Gift Of Hope Journal

We are very excited to announce a project we have been working on for the past 6 months with L'il Aussie Prems that will see every NICU across Australia receive a very special "Premmie Gift Of Hope Journal" small enough to insert into your babies blue "record" book. It will also be an informative guide to common questions and concerns when you have a baby in NICU.

It can be an overwhelming time when your baby is born premature. You are thrown into a unknown world that can be confusing, whilst trying to stay focused on your child who is fighting every day for their life.

We have been providing our Gift Of Hope Journal to NICU's around Australia since May 2010 for families to record their thoughts and feelings in, but felt the need to develop a unique 'Premmie Gift Of Hope Journal'. We feel it is important to have a journal that takes all the hard work away for you to remember special moments and milestones whilst your baby is in hospital. It is prefilled with information for you to 'fill in the blanks'. Whilst also allowing space for ultrasound images, photos, cot cards, arm bands and hand and foot prints. Most of all it is a journal for you to fill with your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. A Gift Of Hope.

The Premmie Gift Of Hope Journal will fit inside your Blue Baby Record Book that you receive when your child is born. It will contain a guide to your surroundings in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit or Special Care Unit, and also have answers to common questions and concerns about the care of your baby during their stay and beyond. We have covered issues like Medical Terminology, CARES, Breastfeeding and Expressing for your Premmie, Kangaroo Care and When is your Premmie Ready to Come Home, Reference to Premmie Baby Support Groups.

I have been working on this project with a lovely friend Julia Toivenen who I met after my identical twins Aisha and Aaliyah were born at 31 weeks in December 2009 at Westmead Public Hospital, NSW. They spent 3 weeks in neonatal intensive care and 1 week in special care before both coming home in January 2010 after a total 30 and 31 days respectively in hospital. It was an overwhelming experience having two little tiny babies totally dependant on machines and the nursing staff caring for them for their survival. We were in an unfamiliar place, watching our daughters hooked up to wires and medical equipment we didn't understand and listening to nurses use medical jargon to describe the care of our babies. Instantly I had to learn new words and terms and adjust to life with babies in hospital, whilst also caring for my 2 year old son at home. I have always written in a journal but it was during this time that I knew how important it was for me to record my girls progress in NICU, the up's and down's of each day and special moments. What if they didn't make it? This would be my only memories of their life. In my own journal I wrote daily about their progress, visitors and special moments. Each day was filled with a new Hope that Aisha and Aaliyah would grow stronger and hopefully get to come home.

Aisha Ann - Sunday 20th December 2009, 4 Days old, 32+2 Gestation

Progress: you are still under the photo-therapy lights but doing well. They were going to give you some of my milk today but thought that your'e stomach couldnt handle it just yet so we might try tomorrow.

Visitors: Lots of visitors today. Nanny and Poppy, Daddy bought Zach into to see you. He got very excited about seeing his bubbies. Then we also had Jon, Donna, Tamika and Amelie visit and all the extended Marin & Vella families send their love. Mummy's friend from work Natasha came with her family. Nanna Aziz and Aunty Nadia also came to see you quickly.

Special Moments: I held you in my arms and smiled! Today I got to finally hold you for the first time. It was amazing to feel your little body against mine. You were very settled and your were making a cute little snoring sound hehehe You were able to stay cuddled up on my chest for about 45 minutes. When it came time for you to go back into your humidicrib the nurse unwrapped the blankets and daddy laughed. You were sprawled out like a frog!

A woman can learn alot from holding a new baby. It is life beginning again. No problem in the world is big enough to be remembered. Susan McOmber

L’il Aussie Prems was created by Julia Toivonen in February 2007. Julia is mum to two premature babies, Ronan born at 27 weeks gestation in 2006 & Tristan born at 36 weeks in 2008 and she has recently given birth to her daughter, Kira, who was born at 40 weeks (on her due date) in January 2011. Through Julia’s experience of giving birth so early to Ronan, a year after his 110 day long journey she decided to create an online community to reach out to parents and offer support and understanding whether parents are still in the NICU/SCN or at home. It has been a major learning curve creating and administrating a website but one Julia has thrived on. To date, the forum has a membership of over 1,600 members with a staggering 300,000 forum posts on support and advice from other families. The website is totally free for families.


Each premature baby has their own life battling experiences. Some will have a harder battle than others, and it can be a constant struggle for the families of a premature baby. Learning to live the next few months or even years at hospital waiting for their precious premature babies to grow big and strong before they can come home can be a lonely experience, let alone trying to function with other aspects of normal life. And this experience can be equally draining on other family members of a premmie parent. L’il Aussie Prems offers online support not only to parents but family members as well from the comfort of their own homes.


Julia is actively involved in the premature baby community and has done so since creating L’il Aussie Prems. She was an integral committee member of Victorian charity Lifes Little Treasures until recently. The workload of L’il Aussie Prems has expanded so much that Julia needed to focus her time adminstering the site. Lifes Little Treasures and L’il Aussie Prems remain strong support partners. Julia still remains a founding committee member of the National Premmie Foundation as web administrator/public officer. On Australia Day 2008 Julia was awarded “Local Hero of the Year” through her local Council of Knox, Victoria.

L’il Aussie Prems was created by just one mum, but the websites ideas and implementations are all through the support and dedication of the members and the valuable assistance they provide. Each member has a voice which is why L’il Aussie Prems is the success it is today. Whilst Julia is one of many parents out there offering support she is humbled to know that she is able to help other families.

L’il Aussie Prems is not a registered charity but strongly supports non-profit/charity groups throughout Australia. The most recent groups who received monetary donations from (LAP) were C.H.I.L.D, Sewing Mummy, Backpack 4 Aussie Kids, Heartfelt & Yasminah’s Gift of Hope.



It is our hope that together Yasminah's Gift Of Hope and L'il Aussie Prems can offer a message of support, understanding and a provide a unique Premmie Gift Of Hope Journal to record your babies journey through the rollercoaster ride of the neonatal intensive care unit. We hope that our Gift will become a treasured keepsake of the precious time your child spent in hospital.

We need to raise $2500 to print our first 1000 copies of our Premmie Gift Of Hope Journal to distribute to 22 NICU's around Australia. If you would like to make a monetary donation you can donate via any ANZ branch or Internet Banking:

Yasminah's Gift Of Hope Incorporated

BSB: 012556

Acct No: 905083525

or by Visa, Mastercard or Bpay through Everyday Hero

Every donation over $2 is Tax Deductible and when making a donation through Everyday Hero you are issued with a Tax Deductible Receipt

Have a fun day!

This post is inspired by Jessica over at Four Plus An Angel. Last week her blog was "Did I say that?" which inspired me to think about the things my 3 year old son says to me.


These are a few of the lines my son has recently come out with


I can't want it

Come on mum!

Mum I'm stuck

That's disgusting

Be Quiet

I love you first and more

I'm so proud of you mum. You are very special - followed by a great big squeezy hug


and one that is used everyday by my family and friends, started by my son - who continually gives me hope and makes me the person I am today


Have a fun day! - such wonderful wisdom from a 3 year old :)



What are some of the favourite things your children say to you?

Pay it forward

Good evening, Bec here :-) so you may have noticed I have had some time off. I needed to take time out to grieve after Yasminahs 2nd birthday, recharge & reassess to heal & continue moving forward on this journey. The butterfly release was an emotional day. It was very peaceful & so nice to share it with some truly beautiful people, but the days that followed were very hard. I find it hard as the weather seems to follow my mood as we head into winter.

Some days are harder than others but with the love & support of those around me I can get through anything. I have simply the most amazing husband who really brings me back to reality when I need it, and very supportive kind & caring friends. Thank you all for your messages of love & support it really means alot to me. At the end of the day I am just like you a woman, a friend, a wife & a mum. I just miss my daughter & don't want her death to mean nothing, I want to help others who face this heartache as no one can understand your pain more than another who has been through it and 'gets it'! 

Tonight I have been watching a personal favourite the movie Pay it forward & it got me thinking (Which is always dangerous lol) seriously though, it is an amazing concept help 3 people & ask them to do the same - pay it forward. Help change someones life. 

I challenge you to Pay it forward to just one person this month but I have one condition - it must bring or provide hope, light, love or happiness to that person. It could be a complete stranger, a neighbour, a friend or a relative.  

Most people won't do this but for the few that will I would love to hear your act of hope light love or happiness. What will you do? 

I will share my idea for paying it forward tomorrow ;-)

Gift Of Hope for Joshua Hancock

A Gift Of Hope for Joshua Hancock

Joshua was born premature

Sending the Hancock family

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

A Gift Of Hope for Riley James and Marley James

A Gift of Hope for Melissa and her family

Melissa's twins Riley James Lane and Marley James Lane were born at 23 weeks gestation on the 28th October 2009

Riley James was born first at 10pm weighing 680g and sadly passed away 1 hour and 55 minutes later at 11:55pm in his parents arms

Marley James was born 8 minutes after his big brother at 10:08pm weighing 550g. Marley fought long and hard but sadly joined his brother and passed away on the 27th November at 7:25pm

Sending Melissa and her family

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Melissa is holding a fundraiser for Yasminah's Gift Of Hope next Wednesday on Wear Green For Premature Babies and Children's Day for L'il Aussie Prems an organisation very close to our hearts who personally supported me during the premature birth of my twins who we are now proud to work in conjunction with supporting Premature Babies and their families

No FHR (fetal heart rate) heard

During my pregnancy I like many mums to be was a part of a support forum. These ladies are all a very special part of my life and my journey with Yasminah. I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with them and talked about the highs and lows of the pregnancy. I thought I would include a post I wrote around the last time I felt Yasminah move approx 1pm-2pm Tuesday 24th March 2009.



Hello , logging in quickly on an internet kiosk I have discovered at the hospital. I was re-admitted last night after being here for almost 3 hours for my regular CTG scan - my regular Dr wasnt on duty and the registrar on duty didnt want me to go back home because the CTG wasnt looking as good as it has previously done. This morning I had another CTG and there were a few dips in her heart rate - but again my Dr isnt on today and they couldnt get in touch with him, so tomorrow I will be able to talk to him to see where we go from here! The fluid has also gone up dramatically and it is harder for me to feel her movements and for them to locate her heart beat for the CTG monitoring.

I really miss my DS and DH kept asking if he could take me back home last night poor thing - but at least I got the chance to cook up some meals for him and store in the freezer to save him cooking and save money and time so he can eat pretty much when he gets home, then come visit me - even if it is for only an hour each night.

So hopefully the next post will be to let you know that we have had our bubs or at least what the plan is.

Thanks again to all of you in my SS family - it means alot to know I have support from you and your thoughts and prayers.

Love Bec x x

24th March 2009

18:20 hours

Rebecca called after having dinner. Reports no fetal movements since 1300-1400 hours today. Sate wiht her and palpated abdo 15 minutes > no fetal movements. Encouraged ice h20. FHR attemepted to ausoulate and doppler for 15 minutes . nothing heard, asked RM to ausoulate > no FHR heard for 60 seconds. Reg asked to scan and locate FHR. Rebecca worried. Reg Dr........ in scanning

24th March 2009

18:50 hours

G2P1 (Gestation 2, Pregnancy 1)
37+2/40 Fetal anomoly No fetal movement felt since 1-2pm MW (midwife) ausoulated fetal heart unable to hear fetal heart by doppler
Check FH on US
Beside USS > no FH seen, no fetal movement seen
D/W Dr........ re: plan
Ok to go home tonight if she wishes and a formal USS tomorrow and discuss options
Will discuss with husband

24th March 2009

1940 hours

Beside US as above notes. No fetal heart rate located. Husband has arrived, has d/w Rebecca if wants to home and come back tomorrow for formal USS. D/C script for panandeine forte and temazepam written up if pain overnight

24th March 2009

2000 hours

Rebecca and husband had no further questions for reg. Will come back to DAU in the AM to speak to Dr.......... reg re plan as per Dr......... Script given for pain relief. Instructed to call birth unit overnight if contracting/SROM (sudden rupture of membranes) / concerns. Has left ward in care of husband

addit 2030 hours

Offered social work upon d/c and after US. Declined @ this stage, informed service available if changes her mind

The days that would change my life forever

Two years ago today I was readmitted into hospital awaiting the birth of my second child. This was the second time I was admitted during my pregnancy. I was in hospital for 2 weeks before I was allowed to go home because I lived close enough to the hospital that 'if' anything were to happen it wouldn't take me long to get there. I had to return each day for CTG's and kick counts. I was at home for 5 days before being readmitted for the final time, the night before my daughter passed away in utero.

I recently felt ready to read my medical records and applied to have them released to me. There were over 160 pages. I picked these up from the medical records department yesterday with my daughters in tow. It felt so surreal to be handed the paperwork and place it into my bag hanging on the back of the pram. I wanted to rip it open and read it straight away but I knew I needed to be sitting down at home and take in the information in a place where I could cry if I needed to. These are the events leading up to the passing of my daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz

22nd March 2009 37 Weeks Pregnant

15:00 hours

Presented to DAU @ 13:00 hrs for routine CTG for monitoring of baby with multiple abnormalities. Rebecca noted to have increased hydramnios (amniotic fluid) today compared to previous days. Increased tone. Experienced painful lightening's last night approx 1:10am but did not call BU (birth unit). Now frequent uterine activity causing more discomfort than previous day. CTG nil - reduced variability and reduced reactivity. Very active baby. Normal FHR (fetal heart rate) baseline Occasional small variable decels (decelerations - basically a drop in her heart rate) with quick return to baseline. Reg paged to review after 2 hours of monitoring. CTG ceased for maternal comfort

15:45 hours

Reg will review

16:35 hours

Reg paged to review

16:40 hours

Reviewed by Dr (left out for privacy) Continue daily CTG's.
US (ultrasound) booked for Wednesday


Edited to add after reviewing my notes last night that the DAU notes and CTG's from the morning of the 23rd March are missing from my file. There is a note from the 22nd March and when you turn over the page it is blank. All of the pages in my file are double sided except this one. Why are the CTg's missing? Why is this page blank? What do the notes from that date say? I will be contacting the hospital to request these notes and find out why they weren't included in my original request. They are important considering this was less than 24 hours before my daughter passed away. Below is the next recorded note from the 23rd March

23rd March 2009 37 weeks 1 day pregnant

23:35 hours

Rebecca admitted from home after DAU (day assessment unit) visit today. Re-orientated to ward and nurse call buzzer. Repeat CTG trace, attended FHR Baseline 140-144 Variability <>15bpm Nil decelerations. Having a few tightening Good FMF (fetal movement felt) Rebecca reports that AFI has increased

Then the day my life changed forever...............................

24th March 2009 37 weeks and 2 days Pregnant

05:10 hours

Settled and sleeping on all rounds Nil concerns raised

09:10 hours - This was written by the Fellow Reg on duty - take note

Baby moving well but finding it harder to feel smaller movements as polyhydramnios has increased.
CTG reviewed - Absent Variability. No accelerations Plan - Continue CTG
Lots of FM audibly heard
Plan: (1) We will d/w Dr (my obstetrician)
(2) Continue CTG

09:40 hours - This was written by my Midwife

ANC attended pt afebrile and normatensive NIL PV loss. Occasional mild tightening CTG attended FHR base line 135-140bpm Reactive 10-15bpm variable 2-5 bpm
Noted Variable decelerations trace seen by reg Dr....... and Dr........ Trace signed off and happy to stop the trace
FHR present and felt


Copies of the CTG traces are also included in the records as requested. The 24th shows several decelerations and loss of fhr put down to LOC (loss of contact) It also shows several strong contractions.

I am no medical expert but reading back through my entire records, I believe that I may have been in the early stages of labour on the 23rd March and that the hive of activity was my baby girl in distress. It is very interesting that the Dr and the Midwife have different versions of events regarding decelerations and accelerations and there is a 30 minute gap between notes. I had never had ANY decelerations during my entire hospital visit until this day! It is also interesting to note that my concerns about these decelerations that I raised with all staff present were not recorded. I was always told by my obstetrician that IF there were ANY decelerations this would be a reason to move forward her scheduled delivery. It was originally planned I would deliver at 37 weeks then I was told my baby was doing well and we could wait another week. My Dr was unable to be reached as he was delivering another baby at a private hospital.

I last felt my daughter kick sometime after lunch. I remember it so clearly because it was a really big strong kick! The last one I was to feel. I had a feeling something was wrong then as it wasn't 'normal'. But didn't want to bother the staff as I had been told only hours earlier that everything was looking good and we would stick to the planned date for later in the week.

I will continue this tomorrow the day Yasminah passed away in utero