No FHR (fetal heart rate) heard

During my pregnancy I like many mums to be was a part of a support forum. These ladies are all a very special part of my life and my journey with Yasminah. I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with them and talked about the highs and lows of the pregnancy. I thought I would include a post I wrote around the last time I felt Yasminah move approx 1pm-2pm Tuesday 24th March 2009.



Hello , logging in quickly on an internet kiosk I have discovered at the hospital. I was re-admitted last night after being here for almost 3 hours for my regular CTG scan - my regular Dr wasnt on duty and the registrar on duty didnt want me to go back home because the CTG wasnt looking as good as it has previously done. This morning I had another CTG and there were a few dips in her heart rate - but again my Dr isnt on today and they couldnt get in touch with him, so tomorrow I will be able to talk to him to see where we go from here! The fluid has also gone up dramatically and it is harder for me to feel her movements and for them to locate her heart beat for the CTG monitoring.

I really miss my DS and DH kept asking if he could take me back home last night poor thing - but at least I got the chance to cook up some meals for him and store in the freezer to save him cooking and save money and time so he can eat pretty much when he gets home, then come visit me - even if it is for only an hour each night.

So hopefully the next post will be to let you know that we have had our bubs or at least what the plan is.

Thanks again to all of you in my SS family - it means alot to know I have support from you and your thoughts and prayers.

Love Bec x x

24th March 2009

18:20 hours

Rebecca called after having dinner. Reports no fetal movements since 1300-1400 hours today. Sate wiht her and palpated abdo 15 minutes > no fetal movements. Encouraged ice h20. FHR attemepted to ausoulate and doppler for 15 minutes . nothing heard, asked RM to ausoulate > no FHR heard for 60 seconds. Reg asked to scan and locate FHR. Rebecca worried. Reg Dr........ in scanning

24th March 2009

18:50 hours

G2P1 (Gestation 2, Pregnancy 1)
37+2/40 Fetal anomoly No fetal movement felt since 1-2pm MW (midwife) ausoulated fetal heart unable to hear fetal heart by doppler
Check FH on US
Beside USS > no FH seen, no fetal movement seen
D/W Dr........ re: plan
Ok to go home tonight if she wishes and a formal USS tomorrow and discuss options
Will discuss with husband

24th March 2009

1940 hours

Beside US as above notes. No fetal heart rate located. Husband has arrived, has d/w Rebecca if wants to home and come back tomorrow for formal USS. D/C script for panandeine forte and temazepam written up if pain overnight

24th March 2009

2000 hours

Rebecca and husband had no further questions for reg. Will come back to DAU in the AM to speak to Dr.......... reg re plan as per Dr......... Script given for pain relief. Instructed to call birth unit overnight if contracting/SROM (sudden rupture of membranes) / concerns. Has left ward in care of husband

addit 2030 hours

Offered social work upon d/c and after US. Declined @ this stage, informed service available if changes her mind

The days that would change my life forever

Two years ago today I was readmitted into hospital awaiting the birth of my second child. This was the second time I was admitted during my pregnancy. I was in hospital for 2 weeks before I was allowed to go home because I lived close enough to the hospital that 'if' anything were to happen it wouldn't take me long to get there. I had to return each day for CTG's and kick counts. I was at home for 5 days before being readmitted for the final time, the night before my daughter passed away in utero.

I recently felt ready to read my medical records and applied to have them released to me. There were over 160 pages. I picked these up from the medical records department yesterday with my daughters in tow. It felt so surreal to be handed the paperwork and place it into my bag hanging on the back of the pram. I wanted to rip it open and read it straight away but I knew I needed to be sitting down at home and take in the information in a place where I could cry if I needed to. These are the events leading up to the passing of my daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz

22nd March 2009 37 Weeks Pregnant

15:00 hours

Presented to DAU @ 13:00 hrs for routine CTG for monitoring of baby with multiple abnormalities. Rebecca noted to have increased hydramnios (amniotic fluid) today compared to previous days. Increased tone. Experienced painful lightening's last night approx 1:10am but did not call BU (birth unit). Now frequent uterine activity causing more discomfort than previous day. CTG nil - reduced variability and reduced reactivity. Very active baby. Normal FHR (fetal heart rate) baseline Occasional small variable decels (decelerations - basically a drop in her heart rate) with quick return to baseline. Reg paged to review after 2 hours of monitoring. CTG ceased for maternal comfort

15:45 hours

Reg will review

16:35 hours

Reg paged to review

16:40 hours

Reviewed by Dr (left out for privacy) Continue daily CTG's.
US (ultrasound) booked for Wednesday


Edited to add after reviewing my notes last night that the DAU notes and CTG's from the morning of the 23rd March are missing from my file. There is a note from the 22nd March and when you turn over the page it is blank. All of the pages in my file are double sided except this one. Why are the CTg's missing? Why is this page blank? What do the notes from that date say? I will be contacting the hospital to request these notes and find out why they weren't included in my original request. They are important considering this was less than 24 hours before my daughter passed away. Below is the next recorded note from the 23rd March

23rd March 2009 37 weeks 1 day pregnant

23:35 hours

Rebecca admitted from home after DAU (day assessment unit) visit today. Re-orientated to ward and nurse call buzzer. Repeat CTG trace, attended FHR Baseline 140-144 Variability <>15bpm Nil decelerations. Having a few tightening Good FMF (fetal movement felt) Rebecca reports that AFI has increased

Then the day my life changed forever...............................

24th March 2009 37 weeks and 2 days Pregnant

05:10 hours

Settled and sleeping on all rounds Nil concerns raised

09:10 hours - This was written by the Fellow Reg on duty - take note

Baby moving well but finding it harder to feel smaller movements as polyhydramnios has increased.
CTG reviewed - Absent Variability. No accelerations Plan - Continue CTG
Lots of FM audibly heard
Plan: (1) We will d/w Dr (my obstetrician)
(2) Continue CTG

09:40 hours - This was written by my Midwife

ANC attended pt afebrile and normatensive NIL PV loss. Occasional mild tightening CTG attended FHR base line 135-140bpm Reactive 10-15bpm variable 2-5 bpm
Noted Variable decelerations trace seen by reg Dr....... and Dr........ Trace signed off and happy to stop the trace
FHR present and felt


Copies of the CTG traces are also included in the records as requested. The 24th shows several decelerations and loss of fhr put down to LOC (loss of contact) It also shows several strong contractions.

I am no medical expert but reading back through my entire records, I believe that I may have been in the early stages of labour on the 23rd March and that the hive of activity was my baby girl in distress. It is very interesting that the Dr and the Midwife have different versions of events regarding decelerations and accelerations and there is a 30 minute gap between notes. I had never had ANY decelerations during my entire hospital visit until this day! It is also interesting to note that my concerns about these decelerations that I raised with all staff present were not recorded. I was always told by my obstetrician that IF there were ANY decelerations this would be a reason to move forward her scheduled delivery. It was originally planned I would deliver at 37 weeks then I was told my baby was doing well and we could wait another week. My Dr was unable to be reached as he was delivering another baby at a private hospital.

I last felt my daughter kick sometime after lunch. I remember it so clearly because it was a really big strong kick! The last one I was to feel. I had a feeling something was wrong then as it wasn't 'normal'. But didn't want to bother the staff as I had been told only hours earlier that everything was looking good and we would stick to the planned date for later in the week.

I will continue this tomorrow the day Yasminah passed away in utero

True Feelings

I sit here at the computer with thousands of thoughts running through my head. 'It' is almost here.....Yasminah's 2nd birthday. I have knots in my stomach and tears welling in my eyes as I try to type. I constantly debate if I should be so open about how I am really feeling.......but decide I can't keep this bottled up anymore and if I share a bit about my journey it may help another family who are going through the same heartache.

So today I am going to bear my whole heart for the world to see, to get a glimpse into life after the loss of my child. My second child, my first daughter Yasminah Ann Aziz. I think to myself that I shouldn't even know what this feels like, no one should. I should have my daughter here with me and my family. The question will always remain, why did this happen to us? I miss her so much. I would give anything to be able to hold her in my arms one more time, to kiss her sweet cheeks and cute button nose, brush her thick curly black locks of hair, to hold her little hand and caress her perfect feet. To whisper in her ear "I love you".

Yasminah was perfect to me, a special little girl to love and care for. She was born with a congenital limb difference. Yasminah had no right hand and 3 fingers on her left hand. Yes it would have been challenging at times but it doesn't mean we loved her any less or that we should be made to feel as though 'it was for the best'. Our daughter died, but she lived within me for almost 9 months. In those 9 months I watched as my belly grew, I felt the first flutters, which turned into strong kicks and waves of movement. We heard her heart beat during our ultrasounds and at each antenatal checkup. We watched in amazement as she grew and developed into the beautiful angel that was silently born late Thursday morning on the 26th March 2009 at 37 weeks and 4 days gestation only a few days from her planned delivery.

Yasminah suddenly passed away in utero on the 24th March and I was induced into labour the following day. I am often asked if I went through labour, and yes I did just like any other mum does to deliver their child. My husband held my hand and brought me ice cubes as I felt each contraction come and go. I was urged by my midwife to push when the time came and had my daughter placed on my chest skin to skin, then my husband cut her umbilical cord. She was still warm, and covered in vernix. We were scared but excited about finally meeting our baby for the first time. We never heard her cry, saw her open her eyes or got to change her nappy. We did get to spend several hours with her watching her get weighed and measured. We gave her a bath, before dressing her and wrapping her up to keep her warm just like any newborn baby. We didn't think it was a good idea at the time to bring our son who was only 20 months old to meet his sister, but wish I had thought differently about it and had at least one photo of my children together. My husband and I posed for a family photo and individual photos holding Yasminah. The time then came to say our final goodbyes. I wish at the time those close to us meet our little girl, but for one reason or another they didn't want to. We may have more photos today, more memories to share with others and with them. I understand they were scared, but their actions deeply hurt me and make it hard to talk about her with them today.

Moving on almost 2 years later and we have been blessed with our twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah. It was incredibly difficult being pregnant so soon after the loss of Yasminah but it was the best thing for me and I truly believe if I hadn't fallen pregnant so quickly I would of been too scared to try to have another child. Our 2nd and 3rd daughters had a rough start to life born 8+2 weeks premature, and endured 4 weeks through the roller coaster ride of the NICU. Thankfully they are here with us today and I couldn't imagine life without them. Having my daughters has helped me to heal and brought joy back into my life. I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't have them and my son as part of my life.

My husband needs to be mentioned, he is an amazing man. Strong, loving, honest, wise and kind. A tower of strength and always able to make me laugh, even during my darkest moments. We have shared many moments together over the past 12 years and I love him just as much as today as I did 12 years ago. I thank him for his support and understanding, especially when so much of my time is spent away from him during the weeknights and over the weekends as I continue to develop Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. It isn't always easy, but we get through it.

I often find myself wondering what life would be like if Yasminah was still here with us. What would Yasminah look like now? What colour were her eyes, mixed shades of brown and green like her dad and big brother, deep brown like me or piercing blue like her sisters? Would she like reading books or prefer to play with dolls? Would she be using a prosthetic hand like we had talked about with the limb clinic, or be fiercely independent like her younger sisters?

Saturday is her 2nd birthday or angelversary. As a part of the charity set up in her honour we are releasing butterflies in memory of Yasminah and all the precious children and the families we support. It has been raining for the last few days and is scheduled to rain on the weekend too. We hope the weather holds off so we can enjoy the day, so her brother and sisters can play at the park. It has been hard to do and I wonder if people will remember her birthday or show up on the day. Does she matter to them? I remember her first birthday a few beautiful friends sent me cards and one friend in particular gave me a beautiful gold star pendant that we engraved her initial and dob on. I wear it everyday as a symbol of my shining star. It was so nice to know that she has touched so many peoples lives. There have been some really beautiful people show their love and support this year by donating things for the Butterfly Release like Denni from PurpleX Design and Print who has designed an amazing canvas signature board for people to sign on the day that we can take home to remember her birthday. Michelle from Goodie Bag Exchange another fabulous business on Facebook has organised for everyone attending the day to receive a little bag filled with goodies donated by other Facebook businesses. Fiona from Eaton Photography has offered to capture the day and will put together a special memorial keepsake of all the photos available for $10, with all proceeds going to Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. I am truly thankful for the countless people the loss of my daughter has brought into my life. There are so many people who have shown their love and cried with me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I hope that I am not an emotional mess on the day and that I can enjoy it remembering the love we have for our daughter and we can celebrate her life instead of mourning her loss.

Gift Of Hope Giveaway

Considering this month is Yasminah's Birth Month, I have decided to give the birthday presents to you, a Gift Of Hope for our loyal and supportive fans. You have helped get YGOH where it is today and also given me so much personal support that I would like to give you something to show how grateful I am for your support and friendship.

Because it is coming up to Yasminah's 2nd Birthday/Angelversary I will be giving away 2 prizes.

First prize will be a Custom Made Gift Of Hope - including a personalised journal, and the runner up will have a butterfly released in honour of their loved one at our Yasminah's 2nd Birthday Family Butterfly Release on Saturday 26th March

If you would like to enter this giveaway you have 3 chances to win. Please leave a comment here on the blog with your loved ones name, or you can leave a comment on our main facebook page or our facebook auction page.

Winners will be chosen by random.

Good luck and thank you for your continued support!

Questions

I just don't know what to say anymore, what to do, who I can trust, if I can share, what I should share or why these things happen.

Will it always be like this?

I feel so much pain bottled up inside me and know that the day is coming where I am going to explode and say something I will regret or can't take back.

I wish someone understood how I was feeling.

Why do I feel so alone?

Questions - the who, why, what, where.

What questions do you struggle with after the loss of your child?

Gift Of Hope for Danielle

A Gift Of Hope for Danielle's family

Danielle was born a few weeks ago with a terminal brain tumor.

I personally received a request late Tuesday afternoon for a Gift Of Hope to be sent directly to this family, so they can have all the love and support they need around them, as well as a chance to record some beautiful memories and create keepsakes of their time together.

Sending the family

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Know that you are not alone, there are many people who sympathise so deeply with you.
We hope your Gift Of Hope will provide you with some comfort during this time.

With Love YGOH

Gift Of Hope for Alexzander McConville

A Gift Of Hope for Melinda, Pat and Edward McConville with love from your friends the Smyths

Alexzander McConville was born premature at 29 weeks gestation on the 4th June 2010, weighing 1.1kg and 38cm long. Alexzander and another Gift Of Hope recipient Jacinda Smyth were neighbours for 86 days in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). They fought NEC and CMV together and multiple infections. Sadly Alexzander passed away on the 30th September 2010 after 119 days of courageous fighting

Sending Melinda, Pat and Edward

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Melinda, Pat and Edward you were a huge part of the Jacinda and the Smyths life during their hospital stay and you will never be forgotten

Gift Of Hope for Jade Harmony Pedley

A Gift Of Hope for Jaala and David Pedley with love from your friend Despina

Jade Harmony Pedley was born on the 1st February 2011, several weeks premature 1 day after the devastating Queensland Floods

Sending Jaala and David

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

and Strength to get through the journey of NICU

Gift Of Hope for Marlon Kevin Boi

A Gift Of Hope for Courtney, Thierry and Big Brother Keenan

Marlon Kevin Boi was born at 24 weeks and 4 days

on the 24th January 2011, weighing 828grams

Sending Courtney, Thierry and Keenan

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

as well as strength to get through the journey of the NICU

Time

There is a beautiful quote in Yasminah's scrapbook that sums up exactly how I am feeling at the moment.

Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love,

time is eternity

Henry Van Dyke

Last night, well actually 3am this morning I finally collapsed into my bed. Exhausted from the days events of cleaning, washing, visitors, cooking, tears, tantrums, baths and bedtime stories. Followed by my nightly ritual of a cup of tea, TV, catching up on emails and completing another custom made journal, I had time to reflect. I always like to reflect on the day that was and as I glanced at my phone I noticed the date.

25th February 2011

Where had time gone? It hit me like a ten tone truck ramming into my chest that Yasminah's birthday was only 1 day and 1 month away. The tears flowed. How could this be? How has it been that long since I held my baby girl in my arms and gently kissed her little button nose. Had I been so caught up in my life that I didn't realize how close we were to her 2nd birthday.

It seems crazy that I didn't know it was that close. I have been organising her birthday celebration for months. A beautiful butterfly release in a peaceful parkland. Close to nature with a place for her brother and sisters to play and her family and friends to gather and remember. Also a chance to meet those that the charity set up in her honour and memory has helped during this journey of loss. People who have helped me through my grief and over time become friends who are like family.

I want to celebrate her life, instead of mourning her loss. Yasminah was and is still a huge part of our life. She is my first daughter, my precious little angel, who I will love for eternity.

It is amazing that someone so small who never drew breath can have such a profound impact on your life and how you spend your time!

Gift Of Hope for Alexandra Charlotte Blue

A Gift Of Hope for Gavin and Kelly

Alexandra Charlotte Blue was born sleeping at 33 weeks on the 9th of April 2006

Sending Gavin, Kelly, and their three sons

Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Thank you Gavin for all that you give back to the community, because of your own heartache and the loss of your daughter Alexandra. I wish I had known about the wonderful work Heartfelt can provide families when Yasminah was born sleeping and will do what I can to make sure that every family knows about Heartfelt. I am forever grateful for your support for Yasminah's Gift Of Hope and friendship. You and the wonderful team of photographers behind Heartfelt provide the most precious gift of all, providing families who will travel this road and join this club no one asks to join, with photographic memories of their precious child.

For more information on Heartfelt please see their website http://www.heartfelt.org.au/

Quotes

You may notice that I share insipirational quotes or little messages of hope, love and support through our website, facebook page and twitter.

I find comfort in reading these and sometimes a personal connection to the quote or message.

They aren't always about grief or loss, or love and hope. Sometimes they are just little messages of support or inspiration to bring us all back to earth and make us think twice about what we do with each day we are alive.

I have a few personal favourites, too many to list all of them here, but this is a small selection. They may not speak to every one but I believe in them and the power of the positive thinking that comes from reading them.

Everything happens for a reason

"Life: It is about the gift not the package it comes in." Dennis P. Costea, Jr

The best and most beautiful things can not be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller

If there were not hope, the heart would break. Ancrene Wisse

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King Jr

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person. Mother Teresa

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. John Vance Cheney

The best way to cheer yourself up, is to cheer someone else up. Mark Twain

Everyday tell at least one person something you like, admire or appreciate about them. Richard Carlson

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

You gotta dance like nobody's watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow and love like it's never going to hurt. Meme Grifsters

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars

I am warmth, I am love, I am a continuous life force, I am energy, I am broken, I sacrifice, I HEAL! Listen to my plea, mend your ways, share your dreams, return the good I share with you all. As I renew, so shall mankind. We are all of the one energy. Connect with me always for my energy is your energy. Together we will heal. Namaste Lin

Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back. Harvey MacKay

Then of course there is my quote

Sending you Hope, Light, Love, Happiness

Find hope to keep you strong,
Find light to lead the way,
Find love all around you,
Find Happiness one day...

This is a very personal message and is actually about my four children.

Zachariah our eldest child gave us hope. After TTC for so many years, just when we were about to give up on the idea of ever having our own children I fell pregnant with Zach. There was hope! He also kept me strong the days after losing Yasminah. Zach gave me a reason to get up in the morning and keep going when all I really wanted to do was crawl into a corner and die.

Yasminah is our light. Having Yasminah opened our eyes to the world around us. She has filled our lives with light and continues to shine down on us. Yasminah has changed my life incredibly as a person and her mother. She has opened a world I never knew existed and continues to guide me to help others through my own pain.

Then Aisha and Aaliyah gave us love and happiness at a time when we needed it the most. Having our twins, and them surviving after being born so premature gave me incredible hope. They filled and continue to fill my life with complete love and happiness.

So finding hope to keep you strong, is about finding that person who will keep you going, or that special something to keep you strong. There is another saying 'there is always a light at the end of the tunnel' and I have to believe that there is. It may not seem that way in the early days when you are mourning everything you have lost, but it does get easier and you will begin to come out again into the world, into the light. Every one deserves to be loved and I hope that families are surrounded by love through their journey. I hope that everyone find's happiness one day...

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. Hugh Downs

What quotes or messages speak to you and give you hope?

Erin Carmody New Vice President YGOH

We are delighted to share that Erin Carmody is the New Vice President of Yasminah's Gift Of Hope Incorporated.

Erin and her husband Michael recently experienced the devastating, neonatal loss of their son Aiden. Erin and myself connected through a mutual friend. I personally offered Erin my support and understanding, as well as a Gift Of Hope. Erin and her family and friends have donated Gifts of Hope in memory of Aiden for other families to receive but she wanted to do more.

This is Aiden's Custom Made Gift Of Hope

Erin knows personally what a difference A Gift Of Hope can make to a family and the support YGOH can provide from one parent to another who knows exactly what they are going through following the premature birth or loss of their child.

Erin graciously accepted the challenging role of Vice President, even after I bombarded her with the responsibilities of the Vice President role and our current projects. Erin has drive and passion, with a kind, caring nature and the commitment required to fulfill this role. She is the perfect addition to our family.

Please welcome Erin to YGOH's family. We will be updating our website to reflect these changes over the coming weeks. Erin will also be adding her own personal touch to our Gift Of Hope and sharing her story of Aiden.

I would like to personally thank her from the bottom of my heart for her passion and commitment to helping provide families with support, understanding and a Gift Of Hope.

Sending you Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Gift Of Hope for Levi Asher Simpson

A gift of Hope for Dimity, Paul and their two older sons

with love from their friends Miriam and Marc

Levi Asher Simpson was born sleeping at 26 weeks on the 11th February 2011 weighing 840g and measuring 32cm long

Sending the Simpson family Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

at this difficult time

Gift Of Hope for Jacob and Olivia White

Jacob White was born sleeping at 15 weeks on the 18th September 2009

The following year his family had another child, Olivia Paige White who was born at 25 weeks and 1 day on 24th August 2010 weighing 754g and measuring 32cm long. Olivia spent 57 days in ICU and 24 in Special Care. Olivia is now 5 months old (6.5 weeks corrected) and has Chronic Lung Disease so is currently on oxygen 24 hours a day.

Sending the White family Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Happy Corrected 1st Birthday

Today Aisha and Aaliyah were due to arrive. I still find it hard to believe that they are 14 months old. Let alone that they were born 8 weeks and 2 days premature, and that we made it through NICU.

It is amazing to me that they survived, given their premature age and the challenges they faced when born, but they did have their own personal guardian angel watching over them and a wonderful team of Doctors and Nurses who we are very thankful to.

Yesterday we had their 12 month corrected age, growth and development assessment. It basically assesses their weight, height, problem solving skills, language skills and gross motor development. A paediatrician performed a physical examination and a psychologist completed a series of tests to see how their skills are developing.

We were at the hospital for 3 hours. Not an easy task when you have 3 children, aged 3 and under in a tiny room with no windows. But we made it through with snacks, hugs and laughter with a few tears thrown in for good measure.

At birth Aisha weighed 1554g and was 41cm long.
At 14 months, 12 months corrected Aisha weighs 9.56kg and is 74.3cm long

At birth Aaliyah weighed 1773g and was 41.5cm long.
At 14 months, 12 months corrected Aaliyah weighs 9.36kg and is 74.4cm long

So suffice to say that their growth is outstanding. The last time we visited for their assessment was when they were 8 months, 6 months corrected. At that time they were both still breastfed and having a lot of difficulty with reflux. I managed to continue breastfeeding them until they were 8 months old but sadly they stopped gaining weight and lost interest, so we weaned them across to an anti reflux formula and we haven't looked back. Establishing solids was difficult, but that has also settled and they eat a wide variety of food. They both LOVE their veggies especially peas! And just like their dad and their brother cheese and yoghurt are their favourite.

Aisha and Aaliyah's problem solving skills are considered above average for their age. Their gross motor skills were slightly below average. They have only just begun to pull to stand and Aisha chose this day to pull up to stand all on her own. My husband and I looked on with amazement as Aisha pulled up with all her might to stand on her own two feet. Today both of the girls have been pulling up to stand. Their older brother walked at 11.5 months and honestly I did not think the girls would be walking until they were about 18 months but you never know...... The Doctors have recommended we obtain some physiotherapy for both of them to help them progress and develop their gross motor skills. If they haven't improved or they are not walking by 18 months then we need to phone to make another appointment, but fingers crossed with some encouragement they will be walking and running in no time.

Their language skills were also assessed by the psychologist. They say all the usual words like mum, mumma, dad, dadda, Za (which is Zach) and recently added bye, bye to their repertoire. We read a lot of books and have done since they were born. One of their favourite books is The very hungry caterpillar. Aisha just a few days ago pointed to my t-shirt and said ba. She was pointing at the butterfly in our logo, on my t-shirt. I was so proud, my baby is beginning to say real words, understand things around her and communicate with these new found skills. During Aaliyahs assessment a series of objects were placed in front of her and she was asked where the dolly was. Aaliyah reached for the dolly and said bubba! Another first for Aaliyah. Aisha was considered as average for her language skills and Aaliyah as above average.

Overall they were very happy with their growth and development and we don't need to go back! After 14 months they have been given the all clear! Happy corrected 1st Birthday to my two beautiful girls, we love watching you grow and develop and are so very proud of you. Thank you for bringing so much love and happiness into our lives

Love bites, squeezy hugs & haircuts

Personally I love to be hugged. Some people love kisses, some like hugs, some prefer to shake hands. But I am a self confessed hug-aholic. There is no greater feeling than being hugged.

In our family we lovingly refer to hugs as squeezy hugs. They basically involve a warm embrace, with our arms squeezing each other tight ie squeezy hug.

Aisha and Aaliyah have only recently started giving us squeezy hugs. It is so wonderful when your children can start returning the love and warms my heart that they are now at an age where they understand. Aisha is just like me, loves giving and receiving hugs. She gives the BEST hugs she snuggles into your neck, rests her head on your shoulder and wraps her arms around you ahhh! I Just LOVE it!

One other thing Aisha loves to do is bite :/ She most recently gave me what we have nick-named love bites, whilst giving me a squeezy hug. Ouch! Boy oh boy did it hurt! She sunk her teeth right into my shoulder, whilst her arms were lovingly wrapped around my neck. Aisha also likes to give love bites to her sister Aaliyah. We discovered Aisha had sunk her teeth into Aaliyahs arm. The evidence is right there and she even drew blood. Poor Aaliyah

Aisha and Aaliyah like any sisters have a real love, hate relationship. They can be the best of friends laughing and playing nicely with each other, then in an instant they are fighting over a toy, biting, pulling each others hair, pushing, kicking and climbing over each other. They share an amazing bond, two peas in a pod but their personalities are completely opposite! Chalk and cheese really.

Then there are haircuts! Zach has always had a problem with us cutting his hair, ever since I can remember. We have tried everything and even taking him to a barber didn't help. If you were to walk past our house whilst we are giving Zach a haircut, you would be mistaken to think he was in immense pain and being held against his will......well he kinda is. It is a military operation that involves me holding Zach in a squeezy hug so he doesn't freak out whilst my husband trims his hair with the clippers. We have tried bribery with chocolate, lollies, ice cream, cars, and toys and he will still scream, cry and carry on like we are hurting him and trying to cut off his head.

It's not his fault though, he has trouble dealing with his emotions and controlling his reactions to the world around him. You see Zach has some developmental delays that I wont go into a lot of detail about here, other than say that they suspect he has some form of autism, but can't make an official diagnosis as yet because of his age. He is 3 and a half, even though to look at him you would think he was 5 or 6.

It is still hard for me to believe that my affectionate, caring, bright, artistic, young man could be autistic, but I have had to learn to accept that there could be something wrong. He has been through a lot, and sometimes I blame myself, wondering if it was something I did or didn't do. Is it because I was too consumed in my grief for Yasminah at a crucial stage of his development. Have I failed him as a mother, and parent in not seeing that something was wrong sooner. He was always ahead of his peers in his development (yes one of those kids) he walked at 11.5 months, was saying lots of words then sometime after or before we lost Yasminah his vocabulary slowed down. The sad thing is I can't even pinpoint an exact time. Most kids his age can tell you their name, how old they are, where they live, and talk in 5-6 word sentences. Zach has only just mastered answering 'What is your name?' and we are working on 'How old are you?' but I suspect by the time he knows he is 3, he could be 4 lol so then we would need to start again.

The surprising thing is he has a thirst for knowledge and an outstanding long term memory of the strangest things. For example clothes he has received as birthday or Christmas presents, he can tell you when he got them and who they were from. So everyday when we are getting dressed I will hear 'nanna's shirt, Christmas' or 'mummys jumper, birthday'.

Then there is the iPhone - he picked this up the moment we got it and can use it like a pro, better than most adults and has even taught me a thing or too about it! We made the decision to get him an iPad as our developmental paediatrician recommended some wonderful applications we could use to encourage him to communicate with us and extend his vocabulary and help him understand the world around him. I have to say I honestly think it has helped. We have to constantly prepare him for new situations, places or people, otherwise it can be too overwhelming for him and cause him a lot of distress.

Which brings me back to squeezy hugs! When he gets distressed he likes squeezy hugs. I have read somewhere that children on the autism spectrum like to be held tight and enjoy firm overall pressure. This is a whole new world to me and just like being a mum to an angel, having a child on the autism spectrum is like belonging to a club no one asks to join...........We will just keep taking it one squeezy hug and haircut at a time

Custom Made Journals

I have always kept a journal, but never realised how many I actually owned.

I own a lot of them and these are just the ones I found in my studio!

Each one is about a different moment in my life. Dating my now husband, planning our wedding and trying to conceive our first child.


The ones that had the most impact on my life were Yasminah's pregnancy journal and Aisha and Aaliyah's journals through NICU.


Yasminah's journal is still something that I only occasionally open up to read. There is raw emotion, memories and pain sprawled across the pages. The days following her death, were very dark filled with questions, anger, tears, and feelings of loneliness, depression and helplessness. But writing my way through my grief, three things were very clear. The profound love I have for my child, hope for the future and support from those around me.

Writing is often used in grief counselling, particurly refelective writing. Studies show that reflective writing after the loss of a loved one, can positvely impact on reducing emotional abuse and self harm.

Reflective Writing is a practice in which the writer describes a real or imaginal scene, event, interaction, passing thought, memory, or observation in either essay or poetic form, adding a personal reflection on the meaning of the item or incident, thought, feeling, emotion, or situation in his or her life. Many reflective writers keep in mind guiding questions,
such as "What did I notice?" "How has this changed me?" or "What might I have done differently?"

Thus, the focus is on writing that is not merely descriptive. The writer doesn’t just hit the replay button; rather, he or she revisits the scene to note details and emotions, reflect on meaning, examine what went well or revealed a need for additional learning, and relate what transpired to the rest of life

So whilst our journals are pretty to look at, they also have a pratical meaning, they are a Gift Of Hope. A way to help families heal through reflective writing. Most importantly it provides families with a place to record the memories of their precious child.

The first custom made journal I made was sent to a family who just lost their second child, a little boy who lost his life in NICU.

A simple blue and white journal with a single white flower embellishment and three words

Live, Laugh, Love

It was Wednesday the 26th May 2010, exactly 1 year and 2 months after we lost Yasminah.

Life is what you make of it

If I have learnt anything from the loss of Yasminah, it's that life is short and to make the most out of each and every moment.

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish your memory, and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want,

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins

Today my husband and I celebrated our love as this day 12 years ago we first started dating. We have been through many up's and downs together but always make the most of what we life gives us. One thing that really helped me the weeks following Yasminah's death was something my husband said to me.

You choose how you deal with it

This simple statement turned my life around. I was in the deepths of dispair and struggling to function day to day. I consider myself to be a positive person and I always try to look on the bright side of life, even after everything I have experienced but losing Yasminah broke me and my spirit and changed me forever. BUT after that statement I chose I how I dealt with it and chose to make the most of our heartache and cherish her memory and let her live on in the lives of others, hopefully making a difference to their life.

Life is what you make of it, so smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Happy Anniversary to my friend, lover, husband and father of our children. I will always remember the first time we met and the fun we had getting to know each other before becoming husband and wife. You always make me laugh and give me a reason to smile. I cherish the memories we have made together and cant wait to see what the next 12 years will bring I will love you always and forever x x x x x x

Brand New Donation Boxes

Can you or do you know someone who would like to help by placing one of our new donation boxes in their workplace, business or local school. Every cent counts & you will also help raise awareness & support for YGOH mission of hope for bereaved families.

Please contact me fundraising@ygoh.org.au or comment below. Thankyou for your support

Proud to be an Australian

I was shocked, and lost for words when I received two nominations for the 2011 Australian Of The Year Awards. These awards recognise outstanding and inspirational Australians in all fields of endeavour who make our nation a better place to live.

I received these nominations for the work I do with Yasminah's Gift Of Hope. One of the nominations came from a mum who I had helped after the loss of her child. It was incredibly moving to know that I had such an impact on her life that she felt I deserved to be an Australian Of The Year and honestly just blew me away! I made it through to the second round of nominations in my state NSW. One step before being a finalist! But I already felt like a winner just by being nominated. In my wildest dreams I would of never imagined I would be receiving an Australian of The Year Award. So THANK YOU Lili and Nicole for nominating me. It is a great honour and I have never been more proud to be an Australian




The tradition of recognosing the 26th January and the History of Australia Day began in the early nineteenth century when it was referred to as First Landing or Foundation Day. It began in NSW and over the years went from being acknowledged as a public holiday, to a National Event. In 1979 the Australia Day Committee was established and today Australian of The Year Award presentations are held across the country recognising outstanding contributions from members of the Australian Community.

Where ever you are Happy Australia Day!!!

Emergency

Aisha & Aaliyah our miracle twins turned one December 16th. I still can't believe it's been a year but I'm so thankful they are both alive, happy & healthy.

They had their 12 month immunisation on Tuesday & both had fevers on & off. Wednesday Aisha reached 39.1 was very irritable & not eating much. We just kept it under control with panadol. She was also having moments of rapid breathing. But she woke later than normal on Thursday morning, was very pale, limp & vomited yellow bile twice. She wasn't interested in eating or drinking & left her morning bottle & toast untouched. So we called our GP & she said to take her to the hospital. So here I sit in emergency hanging on to hope.

They took us in straight away. Her stats were good, sugar levels were perfect. They have been giving her fluids as she was dehydrated, and they want a urine sample but after 4 hours she still hasd't passed urine. Aisha had cream put on her arm in case they need to put a canular in. They also wanted to do a chest X-ray because of her breathing & she was coughing a bit yesterday & today. There was a slight mark on the films but they came back as all clear.

Towards the end of the day they decided they would put the canular in her arm. The Dr that did this made a real mess of Aisha's little arm after failing to find her vein in her left arm they eventually got it in her right arm, but not without lots of blood, kicking and screaming from poor little Aisha. Just as they got it in she did a wee, so we also missed our opportunity for a urine sample :(

She was stable, so the hospital let us go home on a gate pass, because we don't live too far from the hospital. They did want us to come back during the night if her condition worsened but otherwise we had to return in the morning for further monitoring.

So Saturday morning we took her in and this time they decided they wanted to admit her. They decided to hook her up to the drip and monitor her closely as she still wasn't eating or drinking. After having the drip in for about an hour she was getting very miserable, this was when I noticed her hand and arm was swelling. The vein had collapsed and the fluid made her arm swell, like she needed another thing to contend with. So the nurses took it out, tried to put it back in her left arm but when they wouldn't work they had to put a tube down her nose through her throat into her stomach. Aisha and her sister Aaliyah had been tube fed through their time in NICU and to see her struggling again just broke my heart. But it was for the best. We settled into our 'room' and waited for her to improve.

Sunday morning Aisha woke as a different girl, the bubbly, cheeky girl with boundless energy and a beautiful smile. Thankfully they let us go home later that day. They still don't know exactly what caused her to get so sick but think it was just a viral infection. Scary being in hospital not knowing what was wrong or how to make her better but so glad that she did improve and I like to think her big sister was looking out for her.

Yasminah's Complete Gift Of Hope finally a reality

Another exciting bit of news to share with you all that I have been personally working on for the last 19 months. We have always been called Yasminah's Gift Of Hope because it was always the intention that we would provide a complete 'Gift Of Hope' to families after the premature birth or loss of their child.

When Yasminah was born sleeping one thing that stuck with me when I was staying in the maternity ward was the lady who hands out the Bounty Bags walking straight past my room. I had received one of these bags when our first child was born. It was filled with goodies to celebrate the arrival of my child and my new journey as a parent. But now that my baby was born sleeping I wasn't entitled to one, I was already leaving the hospital empty handed without my child and no one seemed to care that we had lost our child our greatest gift. So I began writing down my ideas on developing a similar 'Gift' like the Bounty Bags but for parents who like me lost their child. We deserve to be heard, to be acknowledged, to know that someone cares about our situation, can understand what we are going through and to be given keepsakes to help assist us in creating memories and help us to heal.

Then I fell pregnant with our now 10 month old twins, so life took a different direction for a little while. Until once again I was in hospital facing a life and death moment with my twins born over 8 weeks premature. It was after this that the journals were born and added into the dream of Yasminah's Gift Of Hope

Whilst I have been very busy working on decorating the journals and supplying the hospitals, I have been working very hard behind the scenes along with our committee on our bigger dream. Our 'Complete Gift Of Hope' Over the past few months it has taken a few different directions, obtained many quotes for the inclusions, we have collaborated with other organisations, businesses and have listened to what families have expressed they felt was missing when they lost their child. Many like myself expressed that they did not have enough memories, keepsakes, photos and felt as though they were alone in their grief. We have listened and created something so very special that we hope will bring some comfort to families

Earlier this week we delivered our very first box of our complete 'Gift Of Hope' to Westmead Hospital.



Every 'Gift Of Hope' will contain our unique hand decorated journal, a bookmark, a pen, a baby blanket, a handmade candle to light on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15th, personal care products for the mother like sanitary pads and breast pads, pamper products like lip balm, shampoo, a unique Yasminah's Gift Of Hope butterfly soap, a beautiful single wooden flower, a block of chocolate, and thanks to our wonderful sponsors Redballoon a $30 voucher for the parents to have a bit of hope and something to look forward to. Most importantly that they have keepsakes of their child. We have contact details for the Australian Community of Childhood Photographers ACOCP so that parents can be placed in contact with a professional photographer who will take high quality photos of them and their child. Each 'Gift Of Hope' also includes a $20 Gift Voucher from Smallprint so that families can create a special keepsake. Each family can have their child's fingerprint, handprint or footprint captured as a beautiful keepsake.

Each 'Gift Of Hope' costs us a considerable amount to produce, we require your help to be able to continue to provide this to families. You might like to consider making a tax deductible donation, sponsoring a 'Gift Of Hope' for us to donate in memory of your own child or another child to a hospital, donating items to include in our gift like candles, blankets, pens, chocolate blocks, personal care products, lip balm, soap, or creating or purchasing a journal or bookmark.

Thank you to the team from RedBalloon especially Alice for your support for our organisation.

Thank you to all the Smallprint Franchisees who are supporting our program in NSW, ACT, QLD, VIC, WA & NT and Head Office in the UK for making this happen.

Thank you to all the businesses many run by SAHP who have joined in our vision to ensure every family that experiences the miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal death or stillbirth of their child will not go home wth empty arms, that they will feel loved and know that there is support available. Whilst providing them with information that they can create lasting memories with their child, that there are no regrets.

We can not do this without your continued support. This is only the beginning for our organisation, we are already working closely with others to extend our 'Gift' and support families through one of the most heartbreaking times of their lives.

If you would like to donate please send any items to PO Box 17 Merrylands NSW 2160 or email contact@ygoh.org.au

Wishing you all Hope, Light Love and Happiness

Bec ~Yasminah's Mummy~

The pregnancy, birth and death of our daughter Yasminah Ann

It took me almost 6 years to conceive our son Zach who is turning 2 in July. I was seeing a natropath for 8 months and she regulated my cycles and helped give us our first child. So when I fell pregnant naturally without any intervention only 9 months after Zach's birth, we were over the moon and so incredibly excited.

The pregnancy was quite normal, with the normal early morning sickness but nothing else out of the ordinary.

Until the 20 week morphology scan where they discovered our child had congenital abnormalities. We found out we were having a little baby girl but not until being told our precious baby girl was missing her right hand, had 2 fingers on her left hand, she had clubfoot (where the feet are turned in but can easily be corrected with casts) and they were also concerned about the fluid levels around her brain, we were asked to terminate the pregnancy - one of the worst moments of our lives.

The following week we had an amniocentesis, where a doctor with the guide of an sonographer takes a small sample of amniotic fluid to test for possible defects. When our doctor was sure of Yasminah's location inside my womb, he swabbed my belly with antiseptic and inserted a long thin needle and extracted 15-20ml of amniotic fluid. This procedure carried risks of either infection or miscarriage or injury ot our child. Thank fully it was over fairly quickly and our baby seemed fine. Usually it can take up to 3 weeks to receive the results back but they were able to process our sample within a week and even the doctors were stunned when the results revealed no chromosomal problems, they couldn't explain why or how it happened. At that stage we just couldn't do it. My husband and I turned to our faith, did our own research on what the Doctor's had told us and ultimately decided to continue the pregnancy and when we made the decision we both felt like a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders. We decided that this was exactly how god had intended her to be and there are plenty of people with missing limbs and they do just fine and just because she didn't have a hand didn't mean we could terminate her life, that wasn't our decision to make. They also couldn't tell if there would be any brain damage as it was measuring just outside normal limits. How could we end her life if she may have a chance of no brain damage. We were determined to give her every chance of life.

I tried to return to work but couldn't face it, so I started maternity leave early to spend quality time with my son and to give my body the rest it needed and our baby the best chance at life. We also used the pregnancy as a chance to prepare those close to us, explaining to our friends and family our unborn daughters challenges. We were referred to the limb specialists and surgeons at Westmead Chidlren's Hospital who were all fantastic and very supportive. Once we told them we were continuing the pregnancy they had appointments lined up for us so we could prepare ourselves and plan ahead for our daughter's birth. I was considered a 'High Risk Pregnancy' and was under constant monitoring, every 2 weeks I had an ultrasound to monitor her growth. I also had an MRI at one stage to rule out a diaphragmatic hernia, but this was given the all clear too. As the pregnancy progressed everything seemed to be getting better and the outlook was improving, only one foot was turned in and she had 3 fingers not 2 she was a fighter.

It was discovered that I had Polyhdramnios where there is excess amniotic fluid in my womb. The extra fluid in the womb can make it difficult for our baby to settle head down into my pelvis. So if my waters were to break, there is a danger that the umbilical cord would be pulled down into the vagina in front of her head. I almost went into preterm labour at about 28 weeks, but was put on prescribed tablets to reduce the amount of urine our baby was producing thereby reducing the amniotic fluid. I continued to take them until I was 34 weeks when I was admitted into hospital after a routine checkup and ultrasound.

I had noticed her movements decrease and thought that maybe she was going to come early into the world - they put me on the CTG to monitor the contractions and her heart rate and it wasn't looking good. It was my wedding anniversary, my husband was at work, my mum was looking after my son at home and I was all by myself being told I would have to be admitted into hospital because things weren't 'looking good' with my baby.

We were told that the CTG traces were 'non reactive' and they weren't sure why. I would need to be admitted so that I could be closely monitored. I would continue to have CTG's twice a day leading up to her birth. Everyday her heart seemed to get stronger - they didn't really know what was wrong with it or if they did they didn't tell us. She started putting a lot of weight on and the fluid was OK. I was otherwise in perfect health - no protein, perfect blood pressure and I felt OK. After 2 weeks in hospital they let me go back home as I didn't live too far from the hospital, but had to come back in everyday to have the CTG or if I had any concerns. I stayed home 5 days before I was readmitted at 37 weeks and 1 day, because the CTG trace was worse than it had previously been and it was also getting harder for me to feel her movements again as the amniotic fluid was increasing again. So that night I was on the CTG monitor for almost 2 hours before the registrar re-admitted me - we had our son with us- we hadn't had dinner and they wanted me to stay but I convinced them to let me take Zach home, get him into bed and wait for my mother in law to come over whilst my husband and I headed back into hospital. They said they would do another CTG when I came back in. On arrival I was set up in the room opposite to what I had been staying in. I was all hooked up to the CTG and it was really good, very re-active and the midwives said it was best I just stay in hospital for the rest of the pregnancy.

The next morning I wanted the CTG first thing so we could find out what was happening and plan to deliver her the end of the week - that morning my team of Dr's came in and decided that she was moving well and seemed to be very active and she was growing too so would see me again the next morning. There were a few dips or decelerations in heart rate that morning and I was concerned, and raised these concerns with the medical staff but they re-assured me. They wanted to get her as close to full term as possible as did I. That was roughly 9:30am the 24th of March 2009.



I last felt her move just after lunch. Yasminah gave me one all mighty big kick and I remember thinking something wasn't right then. I tried to lie down in my hospital bed to sleep, but couldn't so got up and went down stairs. First I went and bought a colouring book to surprise my son with that night when he came in to visit me, then I went to the Internet kiosk in the hospital to let my friends know that I was OK and back in hospital and it wouldn't be too long until we finally meet our little girl. I still hadn't felt her move so I went and got a strawberry milkshake as that always got her moving. Still there was nothing. Back up in my room I poked and prodded at my belly to get her to wake up. Now I definitely knew that something wasn't right. I went and got some ice water and on the way back to my room I walked past one of the midwives and she asked if everything was OK I said yeah I was just tired. I drank so much water and still couldn't feel her move. I told my husband over the phone when he called me and he said she is probably just tired and we both needed our rest. I said I would call the midwife in to check everything was OK. I buzzed them and they said to try the ice water and everything, I explained that I had already tried that. They then went and got the portable Doppler out and couldn't find the heartbeat, but lately they had trouble even picking it up with the CTG because the excess fluid made it hard. The midwives did all they could to reassure me, they went to get the CTG and still couldn't get it, so they called the registrar on duty. They then brought in the portable ultrasound machine and after what seemed like forever the Doctor said to me that "I have checked everything and I cant find the heartbeat" she said "the baby hasn't moved her arm is still in the same spot resting above her head"....just how I sleep. I tried to hold it together. I couldn't believe that we had got so close for her to die right there in the hospital with all my doctor's and the medical staff around me, they were supposed to look after her. Why didn't they deliver her earlier after I raised my concerns, she was OK in the morning.

At the time when they told me I was alone in my room and my best friend who was also pregnant and due later that week was calling me, I couldn't answer the phone. She knew something was wrong. I had to call my husband and tell him over the phone what had happened. He had just got home from work and was getting ready to come in with our son. I told him to come alone that she had died and couldn't say much of anything else, another horrifying moment in my life. Only that morning everything had been OK. How could things change so quickly? The doctor's always said to us that "they didn't know what the outcome would be for the baby", but I always thought she would be born and maybe not survive life, but it never really occurred to me that she would die inside me. I never even knew it could and did happen! I thought I would have some warning if something was wrong pain, bleeding, my waters breaking anything, not nothing! Why didn't they ever say "Your baby could be stillborn" I would of preferred their honesty. I remember once during my hospital stay overhearing the doctor's and midwifes outside talking about me and they were asking why I had to be in here and the doctor said in case the baby dies! That made me so angry at the time that they wouldn't say it to me. Maybe I was naive to think that it was all going to work out.

They let me go home and come back the next day to be induced.
We had another ultrasound to confirm that she had indeed passed away. My husband was allowed to stay with me in hospital. I was given gel at 2pm and then again 9:15pm and was told they would break my waters the next day. I had to be monitored closely through the induction because my son was delivered by emergency c-section after a 21 hour labour (we almost lost him too) and they needed to make sure that my scar didn't rupture and I didn't progress too quickly. I took some sleeping tablets at 2am to try and get some sleep. To my shock and surprise my waters broke naturally at 3am. My poor husband woke up with a fright as he was in a bed next to me and he said it was like someone turned on a fire hydrant or a waterfall, there was just so much water. We were so glad that didn't happen at home

They then took me down to the birth unit where I had an epidural. At 9:58am on Thursday 26th March 2009 I silently delivered my beautiful sleeping little angel, my baby girl Yasminah Ann. She was just beautiful and perfect and she looked so peaceful. Yasminah was really long 50cm, she weighed 2.38kg. Beautiful jet black, thick curly hair and she had the same cute little button nose as her brother did as a baby.

The midwives were fantastic, so supportive and understanding and will forever be in my hearts for making it as relaxed as possible. They are the memories I have. I was able to have a natural birth and felt like I had achieved something. It was a very different experience from my son's birth. Zach was born by emergency c-section after a 21 hour labour as he was in distress and had passed his meconium and was inhaling it. I really wanted to have a natural birth with Zach and with Yasminah I did it - all on my own with no medical intervention. It was really calm and so quiet.

They let us bathe her and then they brought in some dresses for us to choose. I didn't bring her clothes in and we didn't have our camera charged. Everything just happened so fast and I didn't think about these things, but wish I had or someone had said to me bring your camera and clothes for her when we left the hospital the first time. Only two relatives from my husband's side wanted to see her, which at the time I wasn't very comfortable with and spoke to the midwife and asked if they could show them Yasminah in another room and then bring her straight back to me. I wanted to be the 'last' to hold my little girl in my arms. Now I feel a little hurt that no one in my family wanted to see or meet her. She was and will always be a part of our family. Some friends later told me that they would of liked to have met her but the thought never even crossed my mind at the time to ask them.

The midwives gave us a book with a handful of photos that they took of her inside it and they took her hand and foot prints and a lock of her thick black wavy hair, she even had little ringlets at the back just as I did as a child. We had the book with the special keepsakes, the blanket we held her in, a little white teddy bear and a box to keep everything in that had a beautiful blue butterfly hand painted on the lid.

She fought as long as she could but just didn't make it all the way. I take comfort in the fact that she passed away peacefully in the comfort of me her mum and didn't suffer. I think she wanted to spare us from seeing her in pain as it would have been a very challenging life for her, but it doesn't mean I don't wish that she could be here with us today.

I feel blessed to have been able to hold her for 37 weeks and 4 days and proud to be her mum. We gave her a chance at life that alot of other people wouldn't of. She was very much loved and wanted by all those around her and not a moment in my day goes by that I don't miss her or think about her or what might have been.

We had a Post Mortem performed to try and find out an exact cause, but alot of the time they just cant tell. The results came back as 'no known cause'. They put it down to her abnormalities. My Doctor's came in and saw her after she was born and they got upset too, they said that she was such a fighter and they were amazed that she fought as long as she did. They also admired my husband and my strength and love for each other and our child. They said with everything that happened we always remained positive, we always held onto hope.

I hope that none of you ever have to go through this. It still breaks my heart when I hear of other parents who have gone through a similar experience.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in stillbirth or death within the first 28 days of life

I'm not sure what would of happened if they had induced me earlier. I might have my baby girl here with me who knows.

I'm so thankful and lucky that I have my son, I don't think I could of got through this without him. He has given me lots of love, hugs and kisses just when I need them most. I also have a wonderful supportive husband, we love each other very much and I think that this whole experience has only made our love and relationship stronger.

If you are still reading thank you for letting me share my journey. Take care of yourselves and your loved ones and if you are pregnant or TTC know what an amazing gift motherhood is. Keep the BFP, ask for ultrasound pictures, treasure each kick, take photos of your belly and enjoy every memory - sometimes memories are all we have to look back on.

Much Love Bec x x x x x x

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15th

I have been thinking about doing this for sometime. It is still very hard for me to this day. It has only been 18 months since her passing. Yes I have since been blessed with two very healthy baby girls, but I have four children and Yasminah will always be a part of our lives.

My closest friends and family know the truth, the events leading up to her birth. But I haven't shared all the details until now......

I feel it is important to speak out on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day to remember all the little lives lost.

I have been stuggling the last few days with my grief. Grief is such a strange thing, it can sneak up on just when you think you have it under control. You learn to live a new 'normal', but things will never be the same again, you will look at life with different eyes. You appreciate the simple things more and realize how easily things can change.

When you find out you are pregnant you dream of a future with your child. Will you have a boy or a girl? What will they look like? How should we decorate the room? What will they grow up to do? You buy all the usual baby items like a pram, a cot, change table and clothes. Cute little baby clothes, that you anxiously wash and fold and sort numerous times before the birth. But what happens when all those dreams are shattered and you are left to come home from hospital with empty arms, to a house filled with reminders about what should of been. This is what I faced and what countless women around the world face everyday. There is probably a woman going through labour right now and instead of hearing her newborn baby cry, there will be silence.

There will still be flowers and cards but in sympathy, no congratulations. There won't be a steady stream of visitors wanting to look at the adoring new baby, because they are too scared or don't know what to say. Instead you will receive text messages and emails or snail mail with I'm sorry for your loss, our deepest sympathies or simply with love. Funeral arrangements will need to be made, deciding what coffin, where to bury your child and what to wear to your child's funeral.

It happens and we can no longer remain silent about pregnancy and infant loss. We need to remember them and raise awareness so that we can have an impact on the community and we can reduce the numbers. It can no longer be a taboo topic, something needs to be done. So today I'm speaking out.

Today I read on another website Mamamia about a lady whose friend lost her second child. I couldn't and refuse to remain silent on these matters, below is my reply to the original post you can find here
http://www.mamamia.com.au/weblog/2010/10/for-anyone-who-has-lost-a-baby-this-woman-needs-your-advice.html/comment-page-5

Kate firstly I'm so sorry for your own loss and terribly sorry for the loss of your friend Bec's precious second child Georgie.

I have personally been down the same road, when my second child Yasminah was stillborn at 37 weeks and 4 days just days before she was meant to be safely delivered. My world shattered into a million pieces and has and will never be the same. My son was 20 months at the time so similar age to your friends first child. It is so hard because you still need to be there for them but you are so consumed in your grief and the loss of your child. Having another child sometimes compounds that grief, because you know everything that you are missing out on. The common questions came How could this happen? Why us? Why didn't anyone tell us this could happen? and a few weeks afterwards What can I do to stop this from happening to others and how can I help raise awareness?

It is so terribly hard for anyone unless they have personally been throught this kind of loss to truly understand how we feel. My own family and friends struggled with processing what had happened. I wanted to tell everyone who would listen about my daughter so that she was never forgotten. But no body wanted to bring her up - they didn't want to upset me, but by them not mentioning her at all actually made it harder for me like they didn't care. Yasminah was a part of our lives, she was our first daughter, a little sister, a cousin, a neice, a grand-daughter and now forever an angel. I needed a way to remember her and to make sure that everyone else remembered her too.

You mentioned that your friend is a writer. I'm not a professional writer but I have found it to be 'my' therapy. I found and still do to this day hard to 'talk' about her. How do you bring up the topic of your daughter who has passed away when there are no photos to show, there are no memories for the friends and family in your life, only you have these memories. So I began to write. I would write in a private diary and online forums. Then suddenly we fell pregnant again very soon after the loss of our daughter with twins! A true gift from God. It was a traumatic pregnancy, I always worried about movement and especially because there were two to keep tabs of. I kept another diary. Then at 28 weeks we discovered that our twins at twin to twin transfusion syndrome TTTS. Where one twin was taking all the nutrients from the other twin and they started to grow differently. We were closely monitored as we had been throughout the whole pregnancy but now every day counted. We needed to get them as close to full term as possible. I couldn't cope if I had to lose another child let alone my twins. At 31 weeks and 5 days our twins were born by emergency ceasarian just over 8 weeks premature. I was so relieved they were born alive, but now we needed them to survive life. They spent 4 weeks in a neonatal intensive care unit before both coming home on my birthday.

During all these times and other traumatic events in my life I have kept a diary. I still wanted to help others, and raise awareness and support for stillbirth. So in July this year I founded a registered charity set up in honour of my daughter Yasminah Ann - Yasminah's Gift Of Hope http://www.ygoh.org.au - Our website is growing everyday and I hope that it will become a place of support and information for families and the community. We also have a facebook page with over 1000 people supporting us http://www.facebook.com/yasminahsgiftofhope

Yasminah's Gift Of Hope is a volunteer support network for parents and families who experience the miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal death or stillbirth of their baby.

Yasminah's Gift Of Hope aims to provide emotional support and relevant aids to families, health care professionals and to the public through our hospitals, the community and our website. We hope to also provide ongoing support to families, create awareness and educate the community about cause and prevention of miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal death, stillbirth & congenital abnormalities.

We provide families with the aid of a writing journal immediately following the stillbirth, neonatal death or premature birth of their baby. Yasminah's 'Gift Of Hope' journals contain a comprehensive list of relevant support services to initiate early support for families. These journals are provided throughout Australian public and private hospitals or by request through our website from families with a child currently in Neonatal Intensive Care, or sadly just dealing with the grief of loosing their child

I would love to provide you and your friend Bec with a gift of hope, one of our very special hand decorated journals. I can custom make one with Georgia's details on it. There are many things you can write about in the journal. It can simply be used to keep special keepsakes like ultrasound photos, pregnancy shots, cot card, arms bands and sympathy cards. Or you can write about your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Other things I can suggest is writing a letter to Georgia, getting family and friends to write in the journal too. So please feel welcome to email me at rebecca@ygoh.org.au

My deepest sympathy to you all. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Around the world at 7pm we ask everyone to light a candle to remember them. Please light a candle for Yasminah and Georgia. If everyone lights a candle from 7pm-8pm there will be a continueous wave of light around the world.

Wishing you Hope, Light, Love and Happiness

Find Hope to keep you strong,
Find Light to lead the way,
Find Love all around you,
And Happiness one day.........

With Love Bec x x x x x x

Journal for Chelsea

I received a lovely order for a custom made journal from a mum whose little girl is going into hospital to have an operation on her heart.

Chelsea is almost 2 years old, loves the colour pink & purple & her favourite animals are giraffes. So with all this in mind I designed the perfect little journal for Chelsea's mum to record the details of her heart operation & her long life ahead of her in the hope she will one day read it & know how much her parents & family love her. I hope they love the journal too!


Night x