I find that almost 4 years into my journey of grief and learning to live again, the pain is always there. It never leaves you. It sometimes crushes you. You can't breathe! I sleep less. I cry more. I also appreciate the little things. My rainbows telling me how much they love me. Stroking my face, holding their little hands. Kisses from my son. Drawings of our family. Phone calls from friends who remember her. Letters from people who never knew her or I've never met but we share the bond of losing a child. People telling me that they saw a sign from her today. A butterfly floating past. Her name written on in a book. Or simply spending time with those I love and hold dear to my heart.
To be totally honest - this SUCKS! This is not how my life was going to be. I wanted to be a mum. I wanted 4 children. I do have 4 children, but I don't hold all of their hands, or get to wipe off ice cream from their chins and kiss their pain away. How do you look a picture of your family and have feelings of absolute joy and happiness and then a tinge of sadness because there is one person, one member of your family who will never join the photo. Their life will never be captured. Instead your grief is captured.