Today is my birthday. A day that should be happy and filled with joy, love from those around me and cake! Yet I sit here and all I can think about is it is another birthday without Yasminah here with me.
I've been doing OK lately......it's been a while since I have felt the immense pain and weight of intense grief and heartache that losing a child brings. It comes and goes. The birthdays and anniversaries after you have lost a child can feel very isolating and each time another birthday or anniversary passes, you feel another piece of you breaking away.
I was very lucky that I got to celebrate one of my birthday's when I was pregnant with Yasminah. I remember really wanting to do something special that day. Something we would remember, my last birthday as a mum of one. It was a really beautiful summer day. We drove to the historic Blue Mountains to visit the Three Sisters, have some lunch and then some desert.
27 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my second child ~ Yasminah ~
Zach had so much fun running around exploring his surroundings. Such an inquisitive young man.
We then ended our visit at the famous Chocolate Shop where we each had a piece of cake and some ice cream for desert. It was a wonderful day, filled with many special moments and memories.
When I look at photos of myself when I was still pregnant with Yasminah, before I lost her I see a totally different person. I see the innocence, the hope, the excitement about our growing family, the anticipation of having a daughter to love.
I loved being pregnant and watching my belly grow. Yasminah was our miracle baby and we were so incredibly excited that we were only weeks away from meeting her. Our son was going to have a little sister to fuss over and probably fight with. Life was perfect.
I'm extremely lucky and blessed that my first birthday without Yasminah the following year, was also my first birthday with my twin girls Aisha and Aaliyah and also the day they both came home from the NICU. It also happened to be my 30th birthday. What an incredible birthday gift! For the first time in a long time, I finally felt the joy return to my life. Despite their premature birth, the long days and nights in NICU, the bumps in the road along the way, Aisha and Aaliyah were here and brought me so much love and happiness. I had two beautiful baby girls to care for and hold in my arms to watch and grow. Nothing will ever fill the gap that Yasminah left, but having something to hold onto, a small glimmer of hope that things would be ok was all I needed.
Zach returned to preschool this year and Aisha and Aaliyah started one day a week. So because my birthday falls on a Monday, my babies are all at preschool today. It kinda makes me sad that I won't be sharing the whole day with them, but we had breakfast together, and my son has requested his favourite dinner(and also mine) butter chicken. I'm really looking forward to them coming home, sharing dinner, blowing out the candles on my cake that my husband is bringing home hint, hint ;-) and the bedtime. More special memories.
Birthday's aren't about how many presents you receive, or what you did on the day. It's about the special gifts your already have in your life, the moments and memories that can't be bought or sold. The love of your family, your friends and people who care about you. Living each moment with them and celebrating the day your own mother brought you into the world - your birth day. Motherhood is an incredible gift. I am so very thankful for all 4 of my children and to my own mum who brought me into this world - Mum Happy Birthing Day!